“
I’ve become
A figment of my imagination
That’s why I run
Towards self-love and inner restoration
”
“I like the person I’ve become”. The thought curses through my head, all of a sudden, almost startling me, as I’m sitting at the table, eating my breakfast cereal, tears streaming down my cheeks and Chance Peña’s song “The mountain is you” playing softly. The thought startles me so much that I write it down in the notes on my phone, as a reminder for all those future moments, that will certainly come, when I will doubt myself again.
I like the body I have now, the body I’ve “made for myself” through surgery and GAHT and exercise. I feel aligned to my body the way it is now, after decades of (gender) dysphoria.
I like the human I’ve become on the inside, too, the person I’ve grown (& am still growing) into. Yes, I have lots of defects, lots of “areas of growth” still and many issues that I’ll never solve — I can be self-centered and unavailable sometimes; I can be short-tempered and impatient; I’m socially awkward and direct, sometimes to the level of abrasive; I cannot hide my emotions, especially frustration, and I flare up easily in anger; I can be loud and opinionated and sometimes come across as patronizing even if I don’t mean to. But my anger is usually short-lived, I don’t hold grudges, and it often comes from hurt. The bluntness in my directness and/or social awkwardness stems from an innate honesty that, while sometimes uncomfortable or undiplomatic, I believe to be a generally good trait. I’m honest and loyal and brave, bold and straightforward and dedicated. I have a big heart, I’m not jealous, I can be very nurturing and even gentle. And I’ve done a lot of work on myself to get here. A lot.
I guess what hurts the most in this moment is the sense that, while I like myself, I’m often not liked. I spent years in a relationship with a partner who tried to change me, oscillating between fighting him to be myself and trying to adapt or mold myself into what he wanted for fear of remaining alone. Years fighting people (my parents, other relatives, that ex-partner) who wanted to transform me into a pretty (female) doll. Years acquiescing to not being “too loud” or “too opinionated”. Years trying to curb my “anger issues”. Years feeling a closed, stunted heart and hardly any bandwidth for anybody else. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m not going back to all that shit. But while I feel that several people, at least my close friends, can see and appreciate my growth on a personal level, within our platonic relationships, my physical changes to align my body to my identity don’t seem to be liked. And that’s painful: when I had body & looks that were not aligned to my identity, I was very “liked”, often without wanting to or seeking it out; now that I have a body that is aligned to how I feel inside me, I’m not liked physically.
That hurts a lot. So in dark moments like the one I’m going through now after yesterday’s rejection, a small light like the thought from this morning is a life-line for me to hold onto.
“
I don’t know what it is that I’m climbing to
I hear your words in my head, you said, “The mountain is you”
[…]
I’m scared to let go of what I’m scared to lose
[…]
Heart and my hands, don’t fail me now
Won’t let the weight of my fear go and knock me down
Only way’s up, no going around
Oh
I was barely surviving, almost left the climb
Said, “Don’t look down, but open your eyes”
You werе right, you said, “The mountain is you”
[…]
“
[from Chance Peña’s song “The mountain is you”]
The Little Prince and the Fox 