Last night I went out dancing with two guys from the chorus who are also newbies: with one of them I connected over the Pride weekend; with the other I had had a few conversations when he had just joined the chorus (3 months after I did) and I had made a point of welcoming him as a newbie, trying to lessen his isolation. The two of them are close friends now and they included me in the night out. Before going out dancing, we met at one of the guys’ place together with another singer who’s been in the chorus much longer, who’s their “Big Sibling”, and who’s always very sweet to me in a genuine way.
I had a very good time throughout the evening & night. It was interesting and revealing and also validating.
There is a lot of shit going on in this chorus, and a lot of it is quite on the surface (some of it is deeper and harder to see). Hearing about some of the things that are going on was both revealing and validating for me: on one hard, if I took it simply as an “exploration into the gay world” or “exploration into this chorus”, it was interesting, since it allowed me to discover a lot of new things — behaviors, dynamics, cliques, motives; on the other hand, it was validating because it confirmed my sense that this idea of us being “one big, welcoming, loving family” is, at least partly, a fake, a cover for something that in reality is much more fractioned and dysfunctional and sometimes even straight up nasty. Whether I want to stay in a group that has such dynamics and behaviors, or not, is something I haven’t decided, yet. But it became even more clear to me last night that if I do decide to stay, it is vital for me to pull back from these people and just sing with them and/or to find & stick to “my people” within the larger group.
The guys from last night might be “my people”, or some of “my people”. I felt safe and comfortable with them, despite not really knowing them all that well. I was able to observe the dynamics between the three of them, see the genuine care they had for each other with no cattiness, no jealousy or envy, and no “alternate motive”, i.e. simply as good friends or buddies. And that was then the dynamics that was established with me, too: as buddies. The three of us who went out dancing together went as a group and as friends, with the explicit agreement to look out for each other, to check on/in with each other during the night, and to not leave each other alone at the club. Of the three of us, one of them is in a monogamous relationship, and thus uninterested/unavailable to pick up/be picked up at clubs; the other is single, demisexual, and partly interested in finding someone at the club but also shy and awkward about it; and I am single but ace and uninterested/unable to pick up/be picked up at clubs. So we stuck together as a unit at the club, occasionally egging on the single, demisexual guy to try and make contact with people he might be interested in. We took a Lyft all together to & back from the club, checked in on each other during bathroom breaks, and texted each other when we each got home to their final destination. At all times I felt safe and cared for like I do with my close queer friends or with my climbing/running buddies.
I realize that a great part of why I felt so safe and comfortable with them, despite not really knowing them well, is because the dynamics between them and hence with me was familiar to me: it resembled the dynamics I have with my close queer friends and with my cis-het climbing/running buddies. Despite these guys being openly & clearly gay, and specifically and openly “bottoms”, their behaviors and dynamics with each other as sincere (platonic) friends are like the camaraderie I see among my cis-het climbing/running buddies, both between each other and towards me. Apart from being heartwarming, this was also a relief for me because I recognized and understood what was going on, it didn’t all feel like a foreign language to me. Yes, there’s still a lot that I don’t know or understand about what goes on in their “world” from the sexual viewpoint — there’s still a lot for me to learn or discover there, if I want to. But last night was chummy and platonic, and specifically chummy and platonic between cis-men, and that I do know, that I do understand, that is familiar territory for me, territory that feels safe and comfortable to me.
That allowed me to truly relax and fully be my authentic self and thus enjoy myself.
The Little Prince and the Fox 