Two reasons that are hard to let go of

With all the genuine attention and affectionate gestures/behaviors I’m getting from several people in the gay men’s chorus, including even physical affection when I open/loosen up, why did I get so hung up on that one guy with whom I hooked up? 

After all, he’s not the only one who’s shown me interest, he’s not the only one from whom I’ve received physical attention or affection, he’s not the only one with whom I’ve had interesting conversations. 

But he’s the only one with whom I met up & hung out several times, intentionally, outside of rehearsals. That meant a lot to me. 

But there’s a reason that is even more basic than that — probably one of the two basic reasons why we actually did hang out outside of chorus: because we wanted to have sex with each other. 

I think that’s one of the two main, basic reasons why I got so hung up on him and why it’s still taking me some time & effort to process this and let go completely. There were two connections I felt with him that felt special (& rare) to me.

One was the sexual connection. As a high-libido ace-aro person, I find myself torn between two opposite drives both within my nature: as an ace person, I very rarely feel sexual interest specifically towards someone else, I hardly ever feel that type of connection; but as a high-libido, sex-favorable person, I really enjoy, and often crave, sex. Sometimes I come across people with whom it feels good to me to have sex: in those cases, it’s as if my two “natures”, that usually are pulling me in two opposite directions, are finally pulling me in one and the same direction, so it’s a relief. Plus, it can be fun or interesting to have sex with someone other than myself for a change. So when I come across those people, because it’s so rare for me, I can get hung up on the situation with them. 

The other was the neurodivergent connection. Although he & I never spoke about it explicitly and I certainly don’t want to diagnose him or attribute him an identity unless he claims it for himself, to me it felt like our neurotypes are extremely similar: I am a “highly verbal, outgoing, sometimes sensory-seeking” Autistic with some ADHD mixed in; and from the interactions I’ve had with him, he seems to be very much along similar lines. The result for me was that I didn’t have to mask with him, not at all even when we hardly knew each other: it felt so easy, like simply being at home, which is something that I rarely feel with people unless we’re either similarly neurodivergent or we’ve known each other for many years. 

Rationally I know that regardless of these two deep connections that are meaningful to me, if there’s no availability for a relationship, then it’s just not going to happen — which is why I finally stepped away from it weeks ago. But these two deep connections felt real to me and still make it hard for me, emotionally, to let go completely.