This hard week ahead

It’s Monday. Not as bad as last week but still hard. And a hard week ahead.

Since starting to sing with the gay men’s chorus last September, Mondays have become a day of great emotional upheaval. 

For nearly two months at the beginning, the emotions were mostly negative, difficult, and painful. Then, they became joyful while still remaining confusing and somewhat overwhelming. Now, after the breakup with no real/mutual closure with the gender-expansive guy with whom I had hooked up, and especially after the retreat the first weekend of March, the emotions have become mostly negative, difficult, and painful again. 

From the musical aspect, I was able to enjoy the last two rehearsals and last night I actually had a blast (as long as we were singing). Writing that note about my being aromantic to the whole chorus almost two weeks ago and receiving some lovely responses really helped me, at least to enjoy the music and enjoy the last two rehearsals before our shows this week, instead of having to white-knuckle through. In particular, last night was Sitzprobe, including the band, so we sang all the songs of the show standing and running them through with hardly any breaks so I was able to really get into the musical mood and the flow, especially since I was still glowing and feeling buoyant inside me with the joy and confidence from Saturday night out dancing. So as long as we were singing, things went well and I was actually able to enjoy myself. 

But the social aspect feels miserable to me again. Similar to how it felt during those first weeks last autumn but with the additional pain now of a sense of loss, of something having broken with this group of people. 

I can’t help feeling that I don’t belong. I constantly feel like an outsider. Part of it is my ace-aro orientation (I think this a great part, a great obstacle). Part of it is, I guess, my different interests (only a couple of them are as avid athletes as I but they go into a different persona, not their athlete self, when they’re at chorus). Part of it is my being an introvert and/or autistic: I need to connect to one or two people in order to start, or get into, a conversation and preferably avoid “small talk”, which is the exact opposite of what happens in a big group of people like our chorus. I just don’t know what to say to these people — at least, not to most of them in such a setting. I’d just like to step aside with a few of them with whom I feel comfortable and chat earnestly. But that doesn’t happen. I can’t make it happen. I cannot fit it. 

Why? 

And the breakup with no real/mutual closure with the gay guy with whom I had hooked up is making things harder for me because it adds an extra level of unease and awkwardness for me. Somehow, things having “gone wrong” or “not having worked out” with him is making me feel even more like an outsider, even more like I don’t belong or cannot fit it. 

Maybe getting some form of mutual closure and/or repair with him could be helpful, it might be something worth trying for me. But not immediately. Not until the shows and this concert cycle are over. 

So I’ve got one more week to go. Less than a week, actually: I have to make it until Saturday. Tech rehearsal this Wednesday evening and then the two shows, on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon, and then maybe some celebration/socialization at the end of the shows on Saturday evening. Then, I’m done. Then, I’m going to take a break. Then, I’m out of here and going on a work/pleasure trip that I’m really looking forward to. 

I can’t wait for this week to be over. I can’t wait for this concert cycle to be over (from the social, not the musical, viewpoint). I can’t wait to get this break, skipping the first rehearsal of the new cycle at the beginning of April and maybe some other ones, too. 

I’m so tired of this pain. 

I’m so tired of feeling like I don’t fit in, like I don’t belong. 

I’m so tired of these efforts, these huge efforts I make every Sunday night. I was very proud of myself last night for going to the bar with the rest of the chorus after rehearsal even though I felt uncomfortable. I’m glad I didn’t let the awkwardness I’m feeling with the gender-expansive guy with whom I had hooked up stop me — which it almost did. I had a couple of nice interactions last night at the bar. But boy, what a huge effort! And for what? 

For what? 

I’ll probably have to white-knuckle this week — six more days — a hard week ahead — but then, a good break. 

Then, a breath of fresh air.