Hanging heartbreaks

Why does every new heartbreak trigger, or re-open, all of the old ones? 

I need to learn to get closure and/or repair together with the person(s) involved in the breakup(s) with me. 

I think this is my biggest mistake, or weakness, when it comes to relationships ending. My anger — that has been a faithful friend, a strong protection, and a valuable indicator of something being wrong — still gets in the way of my getting closure and/or doing repair with the other individuals involved in the end, or conflict point, of a relationship. 

My anger, rooted in my pain, in my being or feeling hurt, makes me push them away. I push them away and try to “solve the problem” by myself, usually with the help of close, trusted, platonic friends who are outside of that relationship. And then sometimes, after having processed things by myself and gotten over the sharpest or most intense part of hurt (& thus of anger), I would be ready to do repair work and/or get closure with the other person involved in the breakup. But by then, the other person is often not interested anymore in doing repair or getting closure. 

And so I’m left with these “hanging heartbreaks” that I bury somewhere deep inside me and “forget” until the next one comes along and reactivates the old ones…

“

You two had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. [… ]

We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything — what a waste! 

[…] 

[…] I may have come close, but I never had what you two have. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business, just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there’s sorrow, pain. Don’t kill it and with it the joy you’ve felt.

”

[from the father’s monologue to Elio at the end of Call me by your name]