Category Archives: Uncategorized

[Trigger warning: some explicit references to body parts (incl. genitals) and body shapes.] I wish I had been “born a boy”.  Today this desire is almost excruciating, full of pain and of anger even (of course, I always feel angry when I’m hurt). Because I actually was born a boy but nobody saw it. BecauseContinue reading “I wish I had been “born a boy””

[Trigger warning for the first paragraph: grief, loss, death of parent.] One year ago it was probably the worst 4th of July of my life: I was devastated by grief as I had just received the news that my father had been hospitalized for the final time and been given less than two weeks toContinue reading “Creating space”

[Trigger warning: grief, loss, death of parent.] [Spoiler alert: some details about the book “The Extraordinaries” by TJ Klune.] Last night I finished reading the young adult fiction book “The Extraordinaries” by TJ Klune.  I devoured it.  I’ve been feeling a little uncomfortable and even judgmental with myself for the way I’ve been not justContinue reading ““The Extraordinaries””

This trip to Salt Lake City has been extremely healing.  I feel like I’ve found new pieces of myself — or maybe pieces of me that were already there have fallen into place more clearly, more coherently, with more confidence and peace.  I’m feeling more at peace, more centered.  Today I went back to theContinue reading “Bro-time, SLC Pride, & Gay Bar Round #3”

I discovered Cindy Lauper’s song “Girls just want to have fun” in my first year of college. I can still remember the sense of fun, liberating joy and almost ecstasy I felt then, listening to it & singing & dancing along to the song with one of my then-closest friends (who was a fellow PhysicsContinue reading ““Girls just want to have fun” & trans joy”

Last night, I went to another gay bar here in Salt Lake City with the (cis-hetero-normative) friends who are hosting me.  It was quite a different experience from last weekend.  Firstly, while I was still feeling extremely nervous, I did feel less uncomfortable and almost a little more confident or even comfortable in my ownContinue reading “Gay Bar: Round #2”

I want a boyfriend. A gay boyfriend, of course. A gay man who likes me and loves me and feels physically & sexually attracted to me as a guy, too.  This longing has been there my entire life. I’ve always felt I was one of the boys, or wanted to be one of the boys,Continue reading “I want a gay boyfriend”

I’m visiting one of my friends from the Ragnar race (& his wife) in Salt Lake City. These people are not queer but they are great allies, very open-minded and full of relatives & other friends who are queer. This couple is also going through a period of renewed self-discovery and self-definition, for reasons quiteContinue reading “Gay Bar: Round #1”

It feels like being a teenager all over again in the most confusing and disorienting way.  Arys was a beautiful child, angelic-looking with golden locks, big blue eyes, and regular features. But Arys didn’t care: “she” played with the boys (after all, “she” was a boy “herself”, wasn’t “she”?!), tumbling around after soccer balls, climbingContinue reading “Ugly duckling to swan? [Gay bar: round #1]”

There’s always something liberating for me about traveling. And also about letting go. They renew my sense of self-determination.  This past week was really hard, a deep emotional rut. I’m not saying the fear or sense of uncertainty aren’t there anymore. But I’m feeling the other side of the same coin: the side that hasContinue reading “Self-determination”