Category Archives: Uncategorized

I want a boyfriend. A gay boyfriend, of course. A gay man who likes me and loves me and feels physically & sexually attracted to me as a guy, too.  This longing has been there my entire life. I’ve always felt I was one of the boys, or wanted to be one of the boys,Continue reading “I want a gay boyfriend”

I’m visiting one of my friends from the Ragnar race (& his wife) in Salt Lake City. These people are not queer but they are great allies, very open-minded and full of relatives & other friends who are queer. This couple is also going through a period of renewed self-discovery and self-definition, for reasons quiteContinue reading “Gay Bar: Round #1”

It feels like being a teenager all over again in the most confusing and disorienting way.  Arys was a beautiful child, angelic-looking with golden locks, big blue eyes, and regular features. But Arys didn’t care: “she” played with the boys (after all, “she” was a boy “herself”, wasn’t “she”?!), tumbling around after soccer balls, climbingContinue reading “Ugly duckling to swan? [Gay bar: round #1]”

There’s always something liberating for me about traveling. And also about letting go. They renew my sense of self-determination.  This past week was really hard, a deep emotional rut. I’m not saying the fear or sense of uncertainty aren’t there anymore. But I’m feeling the other side of the same coin: the side that hasContinue reading “Self-determination”

[Trigger warning: loss/death of parent, grief.] Yesterday I went for a long hike with one of my climbing buddies who’s also one of my closest friends. The hike itself was quite an adventure as we went high up in elevation and despite the recent hot-spell most of the mountain was still covered in snow soContinue reading “Father’s Day Hike & Lost Boys”

… And the key fear or worry underlying my almost constant sense of not being enough is due to the sense — or worry or fear — of being admired rather than loved.  With my close platonic friends I know I am loved: I know they love me despite all my many shortcomings and defectsContinue reading “Admired vs. Loved”

It just hit me: the realization of how much I live in constant fear, or worry, of not being enough.  When I injured my thumb and found out I couldn’t climb for at least three months after surgery, my first thought was, “Will my climbing buddies forget me? Will I lose their friendship?”. Then, whenContinue reading “Afraid of not being enough”

[Trigger warning: some explicit references to sexual and end-of-life themes.] I have the sex drive, lack of confidence, and outer shell of a sixteen-year-old boy. I have life experiences that rival those of a sixty-year-old and a burden of grief and lack of hope similar to those of a ninety-year-old.  Nothing aligns with my biologicalContinue reading “Young on the outside, old on the inside, and not queer enough”

[Trigger warning: some explicit descriptions of thumb/hand wounds.] Carried away by my own innate optimism along with the enthusiasm of other people around me, I thought this past Wednesday would be a wonderful moment filled only with relief and good news as I was going to have the post-op splint removed from my left forearmContinue reading “Delayed post-op shock”

You saw what I am saying, that is Why this is playing on your mind And you know, there’s nothing I’d rather say to you I’m just a little bit surprised We’ve come so far, together and for the better It’s like our wetter weather’s dry It stares me in the face, it taps you on the shoulder They’ll hear us singing, you andContinue reading ““So Long!””