Author Archives: adventurerliberated

[Spoiler alert (last paragraph in italics): quote from the end of the novel (& movie) “Call me by your name”] I want to hold onto the good memories. And that might have to be partly also an active exercise stemming from an active choice.  In the past week my focus as well as my painContinue reading “I want to remember the good times”

[Trigger warning: grief, loss, death] I just finished reading the wonderful book “My grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry” by Fredrick Backman — quite serendipitous, since it’s a lovely, delicate book on loss, grief, and the power of stories & community (family, friends, etc.) to heal. (As well as the power of embracingContinue reading “What we leave behind when we go”

How much grief can one heart take before being completely shattered? How much pain can one heart take before ending up crushed and giving up? I feel like mine is beyond its limits at this point.  Apparently, my father has been hospitalized again and this round it seems to be for the very last time:Continue reading “How much grief?”

“  Fuck Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time It’s something unpredictable But in the end, it’s right I hope youContinue reading ““Good Riddance (Time of your Life)””

One year ago I was officially starting my second post-doc, which effectively felt like the begining of a second chance (at a career in academia) for me.  Today marks the first weekend in five weeks that I’m spending without being in the company of, and without sleeping with, a sexually/romantic partner. In a sense, it’sContinue reading “New beginning?”

I think it might be good for me to reread the (excellent) book “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern.   In this and other books about consensual nonmonogamy, two main reasons for people to practice consensual nonmonogamy are outlined, namely: being nonmonogamous as a lifestyle (e.g. for philosophical, social, political, or practical reasons) or being nonmonogamous as anContinue reading “Polyamorous — Work in Progress”

In all fairness, though, I need to add that I know I’m not alone — and this is something that not only my head knows — my heart also feels it.  Friends are showering me with love and it’s sinking in, I’m soaking it in and it does truly help.  I know I’m strong, butContinue reading “I know I’m not alone”

The morning and evenings are the worst moments. And maybe the mornings even worse than the evenings because at night at least I can let go, indulge my pain, allow myself to feel it, cry even, unwind, lean into the loving/supportive company of friends, and eventually go to sleep. But in the mornings, I wakeContinue reading “The mornings are the worst”

“Let everything happen to you:  beauty and terror.  Just keep going.  No feeling lasts forever.” [Rainer Maria Rilke] I know this too shall pass.  But today it hurts like hell and all I can do is hold myself together from falling apart. 

I knew it would hurt. I knew it going in.  When five weeks ago I accepted the explicit invitation from my European, genderqueer friend to sleep over — and sleep with them — after going out dancing with them at a queer club, I knew I was opening the door to a whole rainbow ofContinue reading “The time-bubble has popped”