Marginalization

[Content warning: misgendering; disrespect/discrimination based on transgender identity]

“That’s marginalization. I think one of the things you should do is go to the Office of Equity at your institute because to me it sounds like, among other things, you’re being discriminated against on the base of being transgender”. 

It’s not my therapist or a friend telling me this. Nor is it another trans person or someone in the queer community. It’s an elderly cis-woman retired professor of Engineering who, after having worked in academia for half a century, is now serving, with empathy and impartiality, within OMBUDS at the institute where I work. 

Her words hit me like a hammer. Probably because she’s finally voiced what I’ve been feeling inside me for two months but not even admitting to myself. Because that’s part of what marginalization is: we get so used to micro-aggressions, so used to being disrespected for one or more of our identities, so used to “putting up with things” in order to not make other people — straight people, privileged people, people in power — uncomfortable, that we end up telling ourselves that we “imagined it”, that it’s “not that important”, that we “can or should let it go, at least for now”. I.e., gaslighting our own selves. 

And that gaslighting of our own selves is, partly, a survival mechanism. 

But once you see the truth, maybe thanks to an empathic ally like the engineer woman with me yesterday, you cannot unsee it. 

When I reached out to OMBUDS earlier this week and started my conversation with the retired Engineering professor yesterday, I brought up my main complaint, i.e., a “typical” move of “academic politics” that has been performed behind my back, or over my head, to my detriment, which is making me not only stressed and uncomfortable at work but is also putting my actual job at risk. I hadn’t told the woman engineer how my supervisor had misgendered me three times in less than two months, including once in an email to the whole institute after I had already corrected her about my pronouns when she had read the email draft to me before sending it out. Nor had I brought up the fact that I feel uncomfortable talking to my supervisor about one of the issues I’m having with the video recordings for my online course due to my transgender voice because I feel my supervisor would dismiss or discount my concern, so I am “protecting” myself a priori from that pain or humiliation. But even without mentioning these incidents — these blatant examples of disrespect and/or lack of equity around my gender identity — the OMBUDS woman still recognized the marginalization based on gender of which I’ve been a victim. 

A victim. 

I think that’s the hard part for me to accept here. I’ve gotten so used to going into “tough guy” or “badass” mode, especially at work and/or when gender issues are involved, that it’s hard for me to accept, come to terms with, the fact that I am a victim here, not only of shitty academic politics (that apply to anyone almost indiscriminately) but also of marginalization due to my gender identity as nonbinary transmasculine person. 

Part of me is still in shock. It feels wonderful to be seen and validated, but it’s also shocking to come to terms with being a victim of marginalization/discrimination. It’s painful. And scary. And infuriating.

In fact, the other part of me is furious. Furious. Full of such intense and powerful anger that it’s hard to contain. 

But I know this anger is my friend. If I harness it, if I use it properly, I can let it fuel me in my next steps. Which include, indeed, reporting my supervisor to the Office of Equity at the institute where I work. And possibly filing an official grievance with respect to the “shitty academic politics” that happened recently in my research group, instead of just “venting” to HR. And certainly, using most of my energy, moving forward, to find another job. Report all the mishandlings here, so there’s as much on file as possible, and get out of here ASAP. Because it’s not going to get any better. And truth be told, I am afraid of retaliation. Which, realistically, would probably hit me harder because of the ingrained biases against marginalized people — and, as the OMBUDS woman rightly pointed out yesterday, bias against transgender & gender-non-conforming persons is, in reality, the most insidious one in STEM because it’s not even talked about (or hardly). 

So, be extra gentle with myself as a victim, because being a victim of marginalization is real. And then use this anger as a friend to fuel & guide me through the next tough steps.