Here we are, two men reclining in each other’s arms on the couch, having a heartfelt, delicate, vulnerable, and very necessary conversation — and using all the willpower we can muster to avoid having sex with each other.
One would assume it impossible for us to want to have sex with each other: Jack is — or, at least was until a few months ago — straight, and I am aro-ace. His heterosexuality should make him attracted to women, not to another man. And my being on the asexuality spectrum or my being nonbinary-trans should prevent me from wanting to have sex with a cis-het man or, possibly, even with anyone else. And yet, apparently against all logic, all “rules”, here we are, horny as hell, having a conversation about what we’d like to do (both from the emotional and the sexual viewpoints) and what, instead, holds us back.
The desire is there, fire that can hardly be contained. And yet, it must be contained, at least for now, at least until he’s resolved two issues of his that are non-negotiable conditions for me. Reasonable conditions that he himself sees, agrees with, and has been working on. But he might never be able to fully resolve them. And I can do nothing to help him resolve them, other than continuing to be the close, brotherly friend that I’ve been for the past four years, listening, holding space, giving pointers. And even so, I can do that only if he comes to ask for that support. Otherwise it’s totally up to him, and I have to sit and wait.
We have both been thrown for a loop by this situation, this change in feelings, almost four years into a “brotherly friendship”. For him, among other things, it has brought up questions around his (hetero)sexuality. For me, it’s brought up things around my gender (the perception thereof by others, by him) as well as around my willingness or readiness for a relationship that is beyond platonic. As to the latter question, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d be willing to give it a try, upon the condition that he resolve the two non-negotiable issues. I’d be willing to give it a try because I love him deeply and feel deeply loved by him, because I trust us both, and because, despite not feeling attracted to him, I do desire physical connection & sex with him.
The other reason why I’d be willing to give it a try with him is for something he said to me last night, which has to do with the question around my gender (or the perception thereof by him). I told him that the physical & sexual intimacy between us is, or would be, particularly special for me also because he’s one of the few people in my present life who actually have seen me before and after, and throughout, the different steps of my gender journey, both from the viewpoint of the medicalization and the emotional sides. And at this point, he’d be the only person in my life, who’s seen me before and after, with whom I’d be having sexual intimacy. That to me is extremely special. He understood that. And then he said that he was not attracted to me when I still looked feminine but started feeling sexually attracted to me only later, in my more clearly masculine form, despite his being a “straight” man. And when I asked him why, he explained: “Because now, in this evidently masculine form, you are your true self. You weren’t comfortable in your own body before, but now you are, and you’re authentically you. And that’s what I’m attracted to”.
He’s attracted to me, to me regardless of my gender or sex and regardless of his own sexual orientation. Probably for any human being that is the most lovely thing to hear, that someone is attracted to us because they can see our authentic self, because they can see us comfortable in our own skin regardless of physical details or “rules” around sexual orientation. Yet for a trans person it’s probably even more wonderful to hear such a validation because it’s the most affirming proof of being seen, accepted, loved, and liked as ourselves after journeys that often involve battles and struggles that cis people cannot even imagine.
This is why I’d like to have sex with him, this is why I’d be willing to try some form of beyond-platonic relationship with him. Because he sees that I have blossomed into my true self and it is precisely that true me that he likes, even though I am a man and he’s a straight guy.
The Little Prince and the Fox 