The name of the month January comes from Latin Janus: in ancient Roman religion and myth, Janus, the guardian of doorways typically depicted with two faces looking to the past and future, is the god of gates, transitions, time, duality, passages, beginnings and endings.
The realization hit me as I was brushing my teeth in my hostel room in San Diego, CA, where last weekend I was celebrating the tenth anniversary of My Liberation. On January 19th, 2016, I arrived in San Diego from Europe to basically start my life all over, following one of my deepest dreams and my inner compass. And all of last weekend in California, as I walked around my beloved spots in San Diego reminiscing those life-changing moments with the memories — sounds, sights, images, smells — from a decade ago coming back very vividly, despite my thoughts often going back to those first days of my “new life” that started a decade ago, despite the thought “I’ve come so far”, the question that kept popping into my mind persistently was “OK, and what next? Where to from here?”
“I’ve come so far, and where to from here?”
Looking to the past and into the future, beginnings and endings, just like Janus.
In the past decade, the month of January for me has indeed been “the month of Janus” as it’s been the month of really life-changing passages or transitions: the move from Europe to California ten years ago; then, the move from Colorado to California four years ago; and then, my gender-affirming top-surgery three years ago. For me, for my personal history, the week that goes from the 19th to the 26th of January has been a week of portals, passages, transitions, or leaps of faith. And now a week of commemorations and celebrations. But for the first time ever this year, this week of celebrating those important anniversaries has been just as much about looking to my future as about commemorating my past achievements.
Despite recurring moments of deep loneliness and sometimes even the resurfacing of suicidal thoughts due to unbearable emotional pain, I have rediscovered in myself a drive to push and move forward, to look into the future. And a readiness to do something else, do something more once again. Basically, taking the energy from the thought “I’ve come so far” to ask myself “Where to from here? What next?”
I don’t know for sure what that “from here” or “next” will be… Probably some activism, organizing, more social engagement, maybe even some political involvement; certainly a different approach to relationships, especially my most intimate ones. What else, I’m not sure, but I can definitely feel that “Janus energy” in me now and see the deep meaning of the name of this month.
The Little Prince and the Fox 