Last night I went on a beautiful 8-mile hike in the full moon with a potential new friend. But all I can feel this morning is sadness and fear.
I cannot see the physical achievement of hiking the 8 miles after weeks where an abdominal strain has been making it hard & painful for me to even just walk 3-4 miles.
I cannot see the simple beauty of the experience, or “adventure”, with a potential new buddy.
I cannot let his words sink into my heart when he said that he & his housemate (who had me over for Christmas dinner) nominated me “Best New Friend of 2025”.
I cannot get peace or satisfaction from the personal and relational achievement of having clarified with him explicitly that we both enjoy hanging out with each other nor can I get joy from knowing that, if I hadn’t told him, he wouldn’t have guessed that I’m trans.
All I can feel is the pain & fear of knowing that he’ll be unavailable the next few months because of school starting again. And even his explicit words, “but it’s just a few months, then I’ll have more time again”, cannot console me.
Technically, I barely know this guy. But in the past two weeks we have hung out four times, on average once every three days. That’s more than I usually do with people, even with exciting new friends. The point is, I like him a lot. More than I’ve liked anyone in a long time. Not only is he a climber, an interesting & adventurous person, a quirky, like-minded guy in STEM, and a very sweet and considerate young man like all of my buddies. He’s also gay. And (in my opinion) very cute. So it’s understandable that I’m feeling a strong draw to him. What is less reasonable is the dread I’m feeling around the situation with him.
On the one hand, I cannot get over the idea that I’ll never meet anyone else who could be “such a good fit” (climber, adventurous, sweet, smart, gay, and cute in my eyes): so I’m feeling this anxiety that if it “doesn’t work out” with him, I’ll be missing my “one and only chance”.
On the other hand, I’m feeling terrified that, while we are forced to pause our getting to know each other in the next few months while he’s back at school, he’ll “forget me” or “meet someone else” and thus lose any interest in me (even if probably his interest in me is only platonic buddy-like anyway).
Rationally, I realize that both these fears are “over-reactions” to the situation. I realize they come from what is often called a “scarcity mindset” and from a terrible, deeply-rooted insecurity within me: my own fear of not being worthy, of not being liked or lovable, my fear of people not considering me worthy enough to “stick to the relationship” with me. These fears, these insecurities, this “scarcity mindset” come from somewhere very old and deep within me, from old experiences and deep conditionings: how do I heal from all that?
I also realize, though, that these strong fears are symptoms of deep needs or wishes within me that I see, at least potentially, as being met with this guy: both my “adventure buddy” and my “friends with benefits” needs. So the intensity of my fear of “it not working out” with him also shows clearly how strongly I need or desire an “adventure buddy” and/or a “friends with benefits”, and preferably an “adventure buddy who is also a friend with benefits”. But trying to meet this desire of mine while coming from the “scarcity mindset” and with all my deep insecurities is a terrible place to be: a very dangerous place to start any relationship.
The Little Prince and the Fox 