Crumbs

One of the reasons I left California and moved to Colorado in January of 2022 was because I was so lonely in California, having been unable during the six years I lived there to make friends locally in a way that fulfilled my relational needs. 

I chose Colorado because, among other things, I found it relatively easy to make good friends locally with whom I could actually do things. 

I’m realizing now, though, that with the exception of two or three friends, the depth and strength and connection I felt in most of those relationships were an illusion. Like a person rambling in a desert at the end of their resources sees mirages of oases, so I saw more than what was there in those friendships. 

I’m not saying my friends don’t care about me. I know and believe that they genuinely do. But what they can give me in terms of time and affection and availability is crumbs, while they give their romantic/sexual/nesting partners whole loafs and even cake. I’ve been surviving on those crumbs, often even feasting on those crumbs, celebrating them as if they were cake. Because I was so starved that those crumbs often did feel like delicious cake. 

But those crumbs were not — are not — cake. They’re not a sufficiently nourish loaf of hearty bread. They’re crumbs of hearty bread: good bread, for sure, but still only crumbs. And one cannot survive merely on crumbs. 

As I’ve been going through a few “friend breakups” or big disappointments with good friends in the past few weeks, I’ve been wondering, “Why now? Why did I put up with it for three years and now, almost all of a sudden, I’m just not taking it anymore?” 

Part of it is seasonal: every time the summer comes around, I am faced more clearly, more explicitly, with the fact that my friends don’t make big, long-term plans with me, like summer vacations: so I cannot delude myself into thinking that the time they spend with me (those crumbs) is as important or fulfilling as the the time that I would really need and that they instead dedicate to, and plan with, their romantic/nesting/sexual partners. 

The other part is increased awareness for me and having reached a breaking point, a combination of “This is what is really happening” & “I can’t do this anymore”. And this was caused, I dare say, by the circumstances with the gender-expansive gay guy with whom I had hooked up in the winter and had a final reckoning & breakup in April. The situation with him was an extreme example of someone not putting nearly as much effort as me into the relationship and, of course, he didn’t care about me or love me as my friends do. But thinking about my needs in the situation with him, forced me to be more honest with myself about my relational needs more in general and as I asked myself why I didn’t put up with certain behaviors from him, I also found myself having to answer the same question about similar behaviors from many of my friends. In many ways that situation with him was a wake up call or a call to reality for me: that and some concrete situations with friends this spring. As my gut finally rebelled saying I couldn’t continue accepting crumbs from the gender-expansive gay guy with whom I had hooked up, it also opened my eyes to all the other situations where I have been surviving on crumbs. 

And I simply cannot do that anymore.

Where to go from here, what to do? I’m not sure, yet.  

The system, society, amatonormativity are certainly to blame, are the root cause for this. But if I limit myself to blaming the system, I’m not going to go very far and I’m just going to continue feeling angry, hurt, bitter, and starved. So, I’m going to accept my part of responsibility in all this (e.g. my being delusional); I’m going to take the advice from some other single people and step away from my partnered friends unless they make more concrete steps towards me; I’ve signed up to AVEN, to see if I can find advice and/or connection with other ace/aro people. 

Will this help? I don’t know. But I just cannot live on crumbs anymore.