Monday, almost a week ago, was a “Big Day”. A day of “one big beginning and one final ending”, I wrote then. But it turned out to be a day of two beginnings.
For almost half-a-dozen years I had been wearing a silver chain around my neck with two silver rings on it that are very meaningful and precious to me. I never took this chain off except when I had to for practical/safety reasons like surgeries or MRIs. Like my tattoos, this silver chain with the two silver rings had become part of me, part of my body even.
On Monday night, the chain broke in my sleep.
On Monday, I broke a chain. A chain of patterns that I had been repeating for years, for decades, with my behavior in specific types of relationships or situations. These behaviors served me well for many years, they even saved me several times. But they are serving me no longer: on the contrary, in more recent relationships or situations, these patterns have led to increased pain for me (& maybe also for the other persons involved).
The ‘chat for shared closure for our “winter fling” / “attempted friendship with benefits”’ ended up being more of a heart-to-heart clarification with repair and intention-setting for the future. Whether we’ll be able to have an actual friendship moving forward remains to be seen and will depend on both sides’ availability (& his efforts), but that would just be a bonus, the icing on the cake. What matters here is that I finally broke that chain, I finally stepped out of a pattern that wasn’t serving me anymore. I turned around and knocked on the door that I had slammed shut as I walked away from yet another painful disappointment. And fortunately, this time, I found someone who was available/willing to open that door again — or keep that door open — for me. Someone who sat and listened to me and took all the shit from me, and owned it, and apologized. And at the end said, “I still like you and I would still like to see you, if you’d like to”.
Realistically, we probably won’t hang out one-on-one again because he will likely not reach out and I’m done making that effort. It’s the end of this particular relationship, but a sweeter end than most of the ones I’ve had in the past. And it’s also a beginning: the start for me of a new way of handling break-ups or disappointing/painful relationships.
When my silver chain broke in my sleep last Monday night, I was able to find the rings, fortunately, and put them on a thin leather band that I’m now wearing around my neck.
It’s the rings I want to keep with/on me at all times, not that particular chain.
It’s the sweet, shared memories and the possibility of friendliness that I want to keep with the gender-expansive gay guy with whom I had hooked up, not the chain anchoring me in my anger towards him. And having shared my anger with him, too, I freed myself of it and can now lightly & gently hold onto those shared memories like little gems, like my precious silver rings.
The Little Prince and the Fox 