The night between Sunday & Monday, after rehearsal with the gay men’s chorus, I barely got four hours of sleep. The interactions with the guy on whom I have an intense, albeit aro-ace, crush had thrown me for a loop. Basically, we seemed to intentionally ignore each other during most of the evening both during rehearsal/breaks and at the bar across the street where many of us go for social time afterwards. Then, at the bar, we finally did interact and the type & level of touch between us was of the sort that I, personally, allow or reserve for the rare instances of “liking” someone in the sense of wanting to cuddle and/or snuggle with them. Which is the desire I feel towards this person but I don’t know whether it’s mutual in that way. And not knowing this is something that throws me for a loop.
For better or for worse, I have the type of brain that cannot let go of a question or problem until it’s solved, which is why I had a sleepless night but I also processed the events and my thoughts and feelings with some trusted close friends. And my friends’ reactions and opinions helped me process the circumstances further and reach some, at least partial, clarity for myself.
When I described the events to my friends, a couple of them replied something along the lines of “all you can really do for now is wait and see”, i.e. see how it evolves, how the other person in the chorus continues to behave, etc. I didn’t like that thought: my body tensed up, my whole being balked at the idea of “just waiting and seeing what the other guy does”. My friends’ advice was wholly well-intended and it also gave me information about myself: I cannot, or don’t want to, just passively “sit and wait and observe”. That’s not my personality but also my brain doesn’t deal well with that, partly because I don’t trust how my brain interprets certain signals from other people, especially in queer environments and/or in situations that could potentially be “beyond platonic”.
A couple other friends, instead, replied more along the lines of “you can say something and ask for clarity without necessarily making it (too) awkward” and/or “you can set your own boundaries if this type of touch is too much for you”. While uncomfortable, that advice sat much better with me.
I don’t dislike or disapprove of the type of touch between me and this other “genderqueer boy” in the chorus: on the contrary, I like it, I yearn it, and maybe to a certain extent I’m seeking it and/or inviting it. But it’s true that I don’t want it, or am not ready for it, unless the level of “liking” is mutual between me and this other person. If for them it’s just the way they interact/behave with everyone, while for me it’s something “special”, then I need it to stop. And if I want it to stop, I need to communicate it explicitly, either verbally or with clear body language.
This is my boundary. This is “my style”. This is how I function. This is what I need.
I want, and to a certain extent I even need, that “special”, intimate touch, those hugs that are really embraces, that brushing of the hands, that brief playing with each other fingers. But I don’t want it if the “special feeling” isn’t mutual. In the future, I might be ready/up for that type or level of intimacy without there really being any “special feelings” with someone, but now I’m not. And I need to respect this need of mine, this boundary of mine. It might be a shifting boundary, and there’s definitely a conflict now between what I need and what I want, i.e. between what I need and where I’d like to place the boundary. But the only safe thing for me to do now is to place that boundary with some extra buffer and seek clarification as soon as possible.
How to get clarification specifically with this person is the real conundrum now… text message? email? ask to meet up outside of rehearsal? wait a week or two or until after the holiday concert cycle?
The Little Prince and the Fox 