My type of love

Last week I was invited to a “friends pre-Christmas party” and the host had several really good quotes on her fridge. My favorite one read, 

“If you love something, set it free. If it returns, keep it and love it forever.”

A few days later, as I reflected on yet another “full moon shedding ritual”, writing down what I wanted to let go of with this full & waning moon, I found myself quoting the above sentence replacing “something” with “someone”, i.e. 

“If you love someone, set them free. If they return, keep them and love them forever.”

It felt very pertinent to me, both in general as my way of loving, and also specifically to one of my recent, biggest and in many ways most painful loves.

Finally, last night, the quote underwent yet another metamorphosis for me. As I talked on the phone with one of my best friends and told them about that quote, it suddenly struck me that isn’t just the way I tend to love: that’s also, and most significantly, the way I want to be loved: 

“If you love me, set me free. If I return, keep me and love me forever.”

This might seem like just a small thing, a replacement of words, changing around pronouns, but it’s actually huge. It’s paramount for me. First, finding that initial quote really helped me see how I tend to love people; with simple words, just a couple sentences, it shed light on my own “style of loving” or “attachment pattern” in a way that to me felt very clear and powerful. Then, turning the quote around to describe the love I want/need to experience was an incredibly powerful and somewhat liberating enlightenment last night. 

The closer I get to someone, the more love I feel, the more freedom I also need to feel: freedom that I both give and expect to be given. It’s almost like a test of trust, or of safety, for me. If I love you, I’ll let you go free; if you don’t take that as me pushing you away (which it actually isn’t), i.e. if you can really understand me and trust me and understand my needs, and if despite that illusion of distance that is actually freedom you return to me (loyalty), I will keep you and love you forever (again, loyalty). And analogously the other way round: the more I love you and the more I feel loved by you, the more I need to be shown and reassured that you will give me space, let me keep my own space, set me free (which is not the same as pushing me away); if I feel that respect and trust from your side, I will return to you; and then, if I do return, I will want/need to be kept & loved forever, because despite all my need for space & independence, I am also extremely loving & loyal and I yearn for deep connection.