In the past six months here in Colorado, I have instinctively gravitated towards two communities: rock climbers, on one hand, and non-binary/trans persons, on the other. Moreover, I have in particular been connecting with cisgender male climbers, who are often in a steady, monogamous romantic relationship, on one hand, and AFAB non-binary/trans-masculine persons who are either uninterested in dating or already dating someone else, on the other. And when I go climbing outdoors, I usually go in a group of at least three, more often 4-6, people, instead of just two of us. I am also having plenty of one-on-one time with new friends here, both with my non-binary friends and with climbing buddies; but I’ve noticed that when I’m spending one-on-one time alone with a specific climbing partner, we’re usually doing something different than an outdoor pairwise climbing session (e.g a hike or a free solo).
Yesterday, for the first time in an extremely long time, I did an outdoor pairwise climbing session with a new climbing buddy whom I had met in a group climbing session last week. As almost all of my climbing partners here, he’s an adventurous, fun, kind, open-minded, cis-man in a steady, monogamous romantic relationship, several years younger than myself. And I’m being very open about my non-binary/trans-masculine identity. So the connection is really on the level of adventure buddies, camaraderie, with that combination of trust and recklessness, play and responsibility, that are common among climbers.
We had a great climbing session as well as very nice conversations and then a fun, spontaneous dip into the creek in our underwear after climbing in the hot sun all day. Really a great day as buddies.
I enjoyed the whole experience yesterday as I also really enjoyed the dip in the creek and snack and conversations with a non-binary friend on Saturday afternoon. I’m clearly aware that my connecting to cis-men climbers as buddies, on one side, or with AFAB non-binary/trans-masculine persons as platonic friends, on the other, fulfills my needs now, including the full exploration and open expression of two of the most important parts of my own identity. I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity to make these connections and in general I feel very happy and fulfilled with them. But there’s also a little melancholy after the pairwise outdoor climbing session from yesterday — maybe intensified by the phone conversation I had on Saturday night with my non-binary climbing friend from California with whom there had been some deeper, more intimate connection last winter and spring.
The melancholy stems from a longing for deeper connection and shared purpose: something I had the fortune to experience first hand, very intensely and for a long time, in my late teens & throughout my twenties with my sailing buddy; and something I thought I might have again with two climbers in California.
With both of those climbers in California, separately and in different moments, I rationally understood that I couldn’t get that profound connection or shared purpose that I long for, that reminded me of what I had with my sailing buddy. That rational realization was sufficient to keep me moving on towards my own dreams and life goals in a safe and/or healthy way. But there’s still some pain or sense of loss deep down inside me somewhere of which I am reminded in situations like yesterday’s.
It’s OK. But it’s also a clear reminder, and even an explanation, of why I’m connecting to certain people only in certain ways now: not only because those particular types of person resonate with important parts of my own identity, but also because they feel safe. Safe because they understand me and accept and like me just as I am. But also, and maybe most importantly for me now, safe because we are a priori setting some very definite boundaries, even without speaking them aloud, to not get too close, because there’s no romantic or sexual interest on other side.
So I feel safe from harm, safe from another heart-break that I really don’t want to have to deal with now.
The Little Prince and the Fox 