Another sleepless night, tossing and turning in bed. Restless and sleepless despite my physical tiredness. It’s my emotions. So similar to the couple of days prior to my gender-affirming top-surgery in January 2023 and so similar to the last couple of days in Spain before moving to California in January 2016. The main feeling IContinue reading “Standing on the threshold: the day before”
Tag Archives: transgender
Trans Day Of Remembrance 2024
This is my third Trans Day Of Remembrance in Colorado. And probably the one I’m feeling, and celebrating, the most — at least, until now. The first one, in 2022, I was sick/recovering from COVID. Last year, TDOR 2023 almost passed unnoticed for me because I was so swamped with work. This year, I’m fullyContinue reading “Trans Day Of Remembrance 2024”
For lack of a penis?
[Trigger warnings: misgendering, potential transphobia; nude modeling; references to naked body parts, incl. genitals.] In my nude modeling session yesterday I was heavily misgendered by the instructor (a woman in, I’m guessing, her mid-forties). And it was one of the most upsetting experiences I’ve had. We started out with a standard set of gestures andContinue reading “For lack of a penis?”
Turning the sieve into a bucket?
Last night I had the first full, regular rehearsal with the gay men’s chorus again after the retreat two weeks ago. And it was lovely. Having reached out to a few trusted members before the retreat and then going to the retreat itself have really helped me feel more comfortable with myself within this choir. Continue reading “Turning the sieve into a bucket?”
My gender is a rainbow
In the past several weeks I’ve been feeling three sensations persistently. One of them — the bright, or light, one — is a liberating and profound sense of my gender being a rainbow, or maybe a kaleidoscope. I wouldn’t call it “fluid”, as in genderfluid, because to me it doesn’t feel like it’s shifting orContinue reading “My gender is a rainbow”
My internalized transphobia
I had another awful afternoon & evening at the gay men’s chorus’ rehearsal. Gone was all the euphoric gender-bending of the past few days; back was the internalized transphobia in all its visciousness. Since the second week I have been going to rehearsals without wearing my two “statement wristbands” (the nonbinary-flag colors & trans-flag colors)Continue reading “My internalized transphobia”
My way of deconstructing gender
Yesterday, I had a difficult but necessary and helpful conversation with one of my dearest friends here who is a nonbinary AFAB person. Being nonbinary AFAB people is one of the things that drew us close two years ago (although I was already openly transmasculine then, too) and among other things yesterday they mentioned how myContinue reading “My way of deconstructing gender”
The Little Prince and the Fox 