The Little Prince and the Fox

Arys is an athlete, a committed amateur athlete, and has been her whole life. And her whole life has had a love-hate relationship with her body. 

“Technically” or biologically a female and brought up in a family where sex and gender — and their “appropriate roles” — were very binary, she has always felt “androgynous”. The full, deep realization of her non-binary, gender-fluid identity, though, has become really clear to her only recently: and this gender-identity breakthrough shed a new, bright light on her body-image issues, on the reasons why she always hated that little layer of fat on her upper thighs. It explained, all of a sudden like a ray of sunshine through dark stormy clouds, why she loved her narrow hips, her small breasts, her flat abs, her relatively broad shoulders, her lean arms and strong upper body, while being unable to accept those round thighs… those shapely round thighs that nevertheless gave her that much-admired round butt, that allowed her to get her period regularly and thus be truly strong and healthy. Because those round thighs were “feminine”: they were the ultimate signature of her “femaleness”, almost a quirk in her androgynous body. She wanted a “line-like” body, not a “thin” body: it wasn’t about being thin because that’s pretty; it was all about being lean because that’s androgynous. 

Now, at nearly forty years of age and finally fully recovered from a heavy bout of COVID-19 in spring 2020, she’s back exercising intensely again and shifting the love-hate relationship with her body more towards love and acceptance. She looks at her body in the mirror, and while still pondering the shift to “they” pronoun, she tells that reflection, “You’re gorgeous”. It’s easier for her to say right after a workout or when she sees only the strong, lean upper body; she still winces at those round thighs and wishes she could shed that little layer of fat, but slowly she’s learning to love that little fat, too. As long as that fat doesn’t prevent her from running trails or climbing mountains, one step at a time, just as on her trail runs or climbing routes, one step at a time she — or they — will embrace her whole body, her whole androgynous body: the “womanness” of it together with the “manness” of it.

Because that’s precisely what androgynous means: woman and man blended together.

… On the one hand, sadness at having to leave these places and people and activities that I have been enjoying so much for the past three weeks; and some fear because all these wonderful experiences are coming to and end (for now). 

On the other, an itch to get back home as soon as possible, without doing any further exploration (which could actually be fun) on my return road trip; partly because I’m getting nervous about the work that I need to get done; and partly because of my desire to get back to (other) places and people and activities that I love at home as well as an eagerness to keep up the momentum of liveliness that I rediscovered on this vacation and apply it to my daily life back at home, too.

“Darkness on the edge of town” (Bruce Springsteen):

“… 

Everybody’s got a secret Sonny

Something that they just can’t face

Some folks spend their whole lives trying to keep it

They carry it with them every step that they take

Till some day they just cut it loose

Cut it loose or let it drag ’em down

…“

The biggest fear I have now is of going back to the loneliness and seasonal fog where I live in California. 

But after a moment’s thought, I realize that this is the same fear I had a month or two ago, when I was looking at the summer I had ahead of me — at least, the loneliness part. That fear of a lonely summer really motivated me to seek solutions — which I found, even exceeding my own expectations, partly thanks to my initiative and greatly thanks to the wonderful persons I’ve met and been with in the past three weeks. 

So now, I can use my current fear in a similar, motivating way. I cannot change the seasonal fog where I live in California, but I can drive to nearby places with better summer weather almost daily even when I’m back. And the loneliness part I can definitely do something about: by keeping up this rediscovered momentum to reach out to people; by maintaining the openness of heart and mind that I’ve had in the past three weeks; by participating in fun group activities similar to those I’ve found here in Colorado; by avoiding to go back into some old routines of my own. 

I’ve done it so many times before… I can do this once again! 

So as I have been doing with other burdens on my heart, I won’t let this fear drag me down: just cut it loose! 

One of the most concretely healing and liberating aspects of my vacation here in Colorado this summer has been all the rock climbing I’ve been doing, learning so many new skills outdoors (trad climbing, focusing mainly on multi-pitch and cracks) and simply enjoying it thoroughly.

I’ve always had the instinct to climb and scramble anywhere and everywhere — I’ve always been adventurous, restless, and reckless in general! 

But it wasn’t until recently that I really took up rock climbing. Part of the procrastination was on me: I kept sticking to my routine (swimming, running, yoga, sailing; and then just hiking or skiing on vacation, depending on the season). But part of it was also due to the stifling, discouraging, or simply overshadowing messages/attitudes I got from various persons throughout my life: first, my mother, who was scared of almost everything; then, for many years, a toxic relationship with a partner who tried to change me, to force me into a “girly” or “needy” person who was so alien to my true self; and finally, a guy on whom I got a crush shortly before I started climbing in the summer of 2019 and who turned out to climb at my same gym and to be a very experienced boulderer. While the relationship with my ex-partner was stifling and downright toxic in many ways, the situation with the boulderer was just weird and confusing, but each in different ways overshadowed the climber in me or the fact that climbing felt like my own thing, and had always felt like my thing to me. So that’s what is so wonderful and important for me now: that I have come into my climber self, at last! I am doing this because I love it; I am pushing my own boundaries, learning new skills, conquering some of my fears, discovering amazing new places and wonderful new people, enjoying myself and being myself as a climber, just as I want to, freely and independently, with nobody trying to change me or limit me or patronize me or overshadow me.

So yay! for the climber in me — and for all the amazing climbers I’ve been meeting and making friends with recently!

Two years ago, between the end of June and beginning of July 2019, one of my closest friends & I met up here in Colorado for a “ fun girl trip” together, she coming from the East Coast and I from the West Coast. That summer, we were both trying to get over some upsetting and confusing emotional situations, and that trip (apart from being an excellent excuse to see each other again!) was meant to be a fun, healing, liberating getaway. And I believe it really was. 

This summer, two years later, she and I have come back to Colorado for our vacations, independently, with separate group of friends and mostly in different parts of the State. But we were able to meet up briefly again yesterday, after not having seen each other for two whole years. And it was so lovely! We’re both stubborn, strong-willed persons and we each depended partly on other people for our plans, so we almost didn’t make it to see each other. And that would have seen such a shame! Although in some ways our interests have diverged a bit during these past two years and we have each overcome our difficult emotional situations from two years ago in different ways, reaching different solutions at a different pace, our brief meeting yesterday was the highlight of our day — and maybe the most beautiful part of it is that we both felt the same joy in meeting. 

The brief meeting yesterday with my dear friend from the East Coast has been one of many instances of healing through friendship, love, and connection that I have been experiencing during my stay here in Colorado. For over two weeks now, I feel I have been literally surrounded by love, acceptance, hospitality, friendship, and positive aspects of family-like emotions/situations. 

This is turning out to be one of the most healing trips/experiences ever for me. That trip to Colorado two summers ago was lovely, for me, in the sense of fun and liberating (which was exactly what I needed then). This time, I’m being truly healed in a sweet, profound and liberating way — which is turning out to be exactly what I needed now (although I hadn’t realized it so clearly until a week or so into my trip). I think it hasn’t been until this trip that I have totally liberated myself, at last, from that upsetting and confusing emotional situation that I was trying to overcome in the summer of 2019. And this healing liberation has come a lot from the solo part of my road trip, from the adventures on which I’ve been going both on my own and with other people here, from the self-confidence that these adventures and experiences, interactions and connections have been rekindling in me; but this healing liberation has also come in a gentle yet powerful way from the warmth and acceptance I have been feeling — soaking in like the sunshine & heat here — from all these wonderful persons around me, from all these friends, old and new. 

So thanks to you all, my friends, old and new! 

Today, I was hoping to go hiking up to Ouzel Falls in the Rocky Mountains National Park but was turned away by the ranger as I didn’t have a reservation (a novelty due to COVID). So I went and did an impromptu hike from Meeker Park Lodge up towards Lookout Mountain instead. 

I tend to be somewhat of a planner so having to not only change my plans suddenly but also do a hike for which I had no maps at all (neither with me nor at the trailhead, which was quite “unofficial”) was a bit of a mental shift — but I embraced it with enthusiasm (I was mostly bummed because the trail to Ouzel Falls is supposed to be really beautiful). 

And all in all, I truly enjoyed my day hiking — my biggest satisfaction being the fact of conquering some fear of hiking totally by myself (I often go on hikes/runs alone but today there wasn’t a soul along the whole trail all day!) with no map and the real possibility of encounters with bears. And the biggest joy being the butterfly I saw perched on a tiny evergreen tree towards the end of my hike — as well as getting back to my car just in time before the rain started pouring down! 

As I enjoy my vacation in Colorado, staying with my Austrian-American host family and going on daily adventures either with groups or on my own out in nature, I realize that, on one hand, I really have two or three chosen families, while on the other, I am spontaneously able to open up, meet and connect with people on the road, other adventurers, or “wandering meteors” like myself. 

With and within my chosen families I am truly getting the “re-parenting” that I need, healing the wounds from my own family background or upbringing by being around and integrated in healthier or more accepting families that have in several ways “adopted” me as a friend/auntie/son-daughter. 

On the other hand, if I allow myself to relax and be my spontaneous lively self, I am really able to meet and connect with other people on the road or out in nature who, like myself, are seeking adventure — other “wandering meteors”. These encounters bring me just as much joy as my chosen families (albeit of a different type). 

However lovely and important these two kinds of relationships are for me, though, I also realize that I’m still missing something. 

The relationships with my chosen families are deep and stable; the connections with the other “wandering meteors” are fun and exciting and can also be long-lasting, but often the latter are also, by definition, touch-and-go as I and the other adventurers cross paths for just a few moments, a day, a week, before each of us continuing on our own journey. As much as I enjoy both of theses kinds of relationships and tend to them spontaneously (as well as having the tendency to go on solitary adventures), I am realizing more and more than I would also need — and I actually am starting to miss — some adventure buddies (and possibly also romantic/sexual partners) who could be more constant in my life now.  

My chosen families feel like safe and loving havens; the other “wandering meteors” bring extra light and fun and excitement to my life for some brief moments, like a shooting star or a rainbow across the sky. But now I would also like a couple people who’d be willing and excited to share part of my journey, a leg of my trip, with me: some co-captains or mates or other sailors on my ship…

Exactly one week ago, I got on the road again — at last! 

I love traveling — especially road trips and being out in the wild — but hadn’t been able to do anything last summer, so getting away again this summer felt liberating. And today, I had another very special and exciting moment as I did my first ever multi-pitch climb: with a group and two guides, I climbed 800 feet up to the summit of the First Flatiron in Boulder, CO! 

I’ve been scrambling and climbing on anything I could find since I was a little child, often terrifying my parents, especially my hyper-protective and fearful mother (who is afraid of heights, among many other things). As an adult, I started to “officially” rock climb in the summer of 2019 and now I have around one year’s experience, most of it indoors. But I prefer outdoor climbing and the outdoors in general, so climbing the First Flatiron in 7-8 pitches today was fantastic for me. 

At first, I was scared. The climb in general wasn’t hard or really technical: it was mostly slab and then some ridge scrambling/climbing before the final rappel down. But it was way higher than I’ve ever climbed on rope or been so exposed. Indeed, the start was probably the hardest part for me as I had to get used to climbing with just the void on all sides except for the wall in front of me. For the first few steps, I even thought to myself, “I don’t know if I can do this all day..!” But then, I quickly got used to it: at first, by just focusing on the wall, on the climbing, on where I was placing my hands and feet without looking down or behind me; then, as I got more and more used to it and comfortable, I started looking around and truly enjoying the view along with the experience. At the end of the day, I think the hardest part for me to get used to was the rappel to get down at the end: that still felt a little shaky or weird to me. 

Apart from the amazing experience of climbing as physical activity and the gorgeous landscapes, it was also wonderful because of the human/social aspect of it. For today’s multi-pitch, I joined a group of five people who had already been climbing together for the past four days, but I was accepted and integrated into the group extremely quickly and spontaneously — which felt very nice. And on top of that, I really sensed an immediate camaraderie among us all: we were all sharing a fun experience, something we all wanted to do and enjoyed, but also something that involves some risks and requires group work and trust. Being in this together, having made this choice together, getting to the top, one pitch at a time, and then back down, was something we all wanted and also needed to do together. A feeling — among lots of other feelings — that I really enjoyed! 

Last night, I watched the movie “Boy meets girl”. It’s one of the sweetest, most delicate, positive or optimistic and affirming films that I’ve seen lately. 

In my opinion there are still several clichés in this movie, but there’s more cliché-breaking, in a delicate, respectful way, and that’s what makes it so enjoyable and compelling to me. 

I especially resonated with the film’s subtitle, “Love transcends gender”, and with the idea that two or more people can love and/or like each other regardless of their sex or gender, just because they love/like each other as persons: the details of the relationship and even of intercourse, while still being important, come after the feelings that the persons involved have for each other (and after consent). These ideas are often repeated explicitly, through words as well as actions, in this movie. 

I also liked, and resonated a lot with, the other explicit, inclusive message in this movie, namely: “you are perfect just as you are, sweet boy, or girl” — or anything including both, in between or beyond. A message that I probably didn’t receive enough while I was growing up but that I am fortunately more able to receive and give back now: to the boy-girl in me and to all the persons around me.

We’re having a hot spell in California and ants are visiting my kitchen again. They often seem to do so during a hot spell — a friend of mine who grew up here said they seek water… 

Whatever they’re after, they don’t seem to be interested in my food, fortunately — maybe because I have almost no sweet foods in my place… but anyway, there’s not many of them and they’re no real nuisance to me so I just let the few ants scuttle around my kitchen sink and stove — I ignore them, and they go about their business ignoring me. 

This morning, however, I was struck by two incidents that are certainly very common with ants but seemed particularly sweet to me today: the first was of one ant carrying a wounded companion; the other was of an ant carrying a crumb of something or other that she had found near my cooking counter and was taking somewhere totally unknown to me. I’ve seen ants do this very often, in real life as well as in documentaries on TV; yet, this morning, these two images struck me deeply, I felt some kind of kinship with these ants, and not even the vaguest thought of getting rid of them. When I saw the ant carrying a crumb of my food, I literally said to her, “Hello buddy, you found what you wanted?” 

Growing up as a child and teenager I didn’t really have much close contact with animals — a beloved pet dog that was put down when I was six (one of my earliest and most vivid memories), and a pet turtle that I adored but probably still saw from a somewhat anthropocentric perspective. 

I got closer to animals interacting with friends’ cats and dogs in high school and college. But it wasn’t until my early thirties, during a trip to South Africa, that I really got close to other animals and realized how sensitive and intelligent they are, how they can be moody and have their own unique personality just as humans do. 

I’ve always known rationally, scientifically, that we’re mammals, great apes; and I’ve always been respectful of & amazed by the natural world, especially from the viewpoint of botanics and geology. But I had never realized as deeply as I do now how much we’re just part of “one big whole”: now I understand this at a profound, instinctive level, and it’s a lovely feeling.