The Little Prince and the Fox

I cannot believe that this legal right is still being threatened!

https://www.npr.org/2021/11/29/1056129045/as-the-supreme-court-considers-roe-v-wade-a-look-at-how-abortion-became-legal

https://www.npr.org/2021/11/29/1059861841/former-governor-who-signed-mississippi-abortion-law-weighs-in-on-supreme-court-f

I recognize that this is such a triggering topic for me, something that I feel so close at heart, that I probably cannot write about it in a wholly balanced way. So I won’t write much. 

I do believe it appalling, though, that the right to abortion is still being threatened in a country that is supposed to be civilized. 

“Pro-life” groups: for the life of whom? Isn’t the mother’s or woman’s life also a life, an important life, a life to be protected, as well as that of the embryo? 

And why should the personal — often religious — convictions or ideals of a section of society dictate the laws governing other persons & their lives, more than 50% of the population? If they don’t believe it right to perform abortion, they are free to abstain from it; but those who have other personal convictions need to have the freedom to perform abortion in a safe, humane, scientifically/medically reasonable, regulated and fair way: they have the right to that right.

Last but not least, let’s remember that making abortion illegal would only increase social differences further, realistically having an increasing negative impact for those persons who are already underprivileged, threatening even further the lives, livelihoods, and health of women, especially from underprivileged communities, who are already struggling and/or discriminated (as historical data show).

For you I’ll be left-handed

For you I’ll watch the streams

flow upwards

For you I’ll run in the ocean 

and swim on mountain trails

For you I’ll see the stars 

in the bright sunny daylight

But will you see, my love, 

This boy that is me?

[Spoiler alert: some details about the movie “Call me by your name”]

Recently, I saw the movie “Call me by your name”, from the homonymous novel: a beautiful delicate, intense, and bittersweet love story between a 17-year-old boy, Elio, and his father’s 24-year-old assistant, Oliver, visiting as an intern for six weeks during the summer vacation. 

It’s the story of a beautiful friendship that blossoms and blooms in the luxuriant gardens and small deserted towns, in the sunshine and waters of Northern Italy in the ’80s. A wonderful friendship that overcomes the boundaries of age, continents, culture, language, and even taboos; a love story where camaraderie, romance, and sexual relationship melt into one another seamlessly and spontaneously. 

I loved this movie which resonates with me and my own feelings and sensitivity in many, many ways. But there is one part in particular that I’d like to share here: something that Elio’s father, a wise, kind, understanding, open-minded man, says to Elio towards the end. 

As the love story between Elio and Oliver comes to an end when the latter has to inevitably return to his country at the close of his summer visit, Elio is distraught. Partly he tries to hide his sadness or, at least, his tears. But his parents see and understand — knew and understood all along — and his father says to Elio something along the following lines: “You and Oliver had a beautiful friendship, love, something rare and precious that most people go through a lifetime without experiencing. So don’t shut out this pain now. Acknowledge and feel this pain now, because you cannot shut out the pain without losing the joy and beauty, too”.

————— —————- —————- ——————- —————— —————

[Here are some of Elio’s father’s words that I was paraphrasing:

 “You’re too smart not to know how rare, how special, what you two had was […]

 ‘Parce que c’était lui. Parce que c’était moi.’ […]

 You were both lucky to have found each other. […]

 When you least expect it, Nature has cunnings ways to find your weakest spot. […]

 Right now you may not want to feel anything, you may never want to feel anything, but feel something you obviously did. […]

 We rip out so much of ourselves to get cured faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty, and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything… what a waste! I may have come close, but I never had what you two have, something always got in the way. How you live your life is your business; just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. […]

Right now there’s sorrow, pain: don’t kill it, and with it the joy you felt.”]

Growing up in a mixed-culture household in Europe, Thanksgiving was always a special, cozy celebration for me as it kept the connection to half of my family with a warmth that was important to me. 

The special meaning of Thanksgiving has remained with me even as an adult, and I especially like to remember and explicitly list all that I am grateful for. 

Today I am thankful to be alive. 

I am thankful to be relatively well and not in pain anymore (at least for now). 

I am thankful for the friend who spent the whole afternoon in the Emergency Department with me yesterday, then drove me home when I was discharged from the hospital and made me dinner last night. 

I am grateful for the friend who will host me for Thanksgiving today together with her housemates. 

I am grateful to the friend who had me over at her place to celebrate our birthdays together with her family, and grateful for all the lovely, loving friends I have all over the world.

For all this, I am very thankful!

Today is a “to-do-list day”. 

Not nearly as bad as it would have been a month or two ago. I’m actually feeling really well but I also realize that rumination always lurks at the back of my mind in this period and threatens my well-being like an ambiguous dark shadow. 

The past couple weeks have been hectic and busy, mostly in a positive way, as I’ve been celebrating my birthday in grand style — after all, one cannot let one’s 40th birthday go unnoticed!?! 

But these weeks have also been dense with events and strong emotions that I now need to let settle by getting into a quiet routine for this Thanksgiving week (and short break from school). 

I’ve decided to take the leap of faith and move to Colorado at the beginning of 2022. 

I’m also pondering changing my legal name (slightly) to make it more explicitly androgynous/gender-neutral… 

These are just a couple of the momentuous thoughts or decisions that have matured in the past couple weeks and that for now I need to let sit… 

So today I’m just going to follow my list: 

– do laundries and clean up my place after these two hectic weeks; 

– run & have lunch outdoors in the beautiful sunshine; 

– work email and/or work on my textbook; 

– do some yoga; 

– take care of my pet snake.

And remember to breathe and smile as well!

Be it a birthday celebration, a trip exploring and enjoying the outdoors with friends, or a physics class, Arys can inspire, transmit enthusiasm, ignite passion, and even be loved — if they are well and in the right, nurturing environment. 

Arys realizes that both of these are huge, profound and far-reaching insights: one is about their own natural skills, talents, and even character; the other is a very important, fundamental condition. Putting the two together means that Arys could not only achieve a lot for their own career but also give a lot to those around them, provided the right circumstances, the right environment. But without the right environment, or in a toxic environment, Arys shrivels up and goes into “survival mode”. They are resilient, so they will survive and eventually make it through, but at what expense? And how much does every new round of “survival mode” drain them? 

Certain events of the past week or so have particularly shown Arys how they can inspire and motivate other people and light passions by sharing their own. Arys has come to the realization that this is one of their great gifts and talents. But now the harder, practical question remains: how can Arys harness this skill and use it in a way that leads to a sustainable professional career and a more constant source of joy/well-being? 

How can Arys kindle this fire so that it can keep burning, giving light and warmth, without just being a seasonal wildfire?

A few random thoughts and insights from Thursday & Friday last week that I still want to record and share…

• What I need now is the space and time to re-examine, clarify, and heal my own relationship with Science & Physics without the extra responsibility of teaching physics to other people (which inevitably skews my feelings or distorts my vision of it).

• Today for the first time I used the gender-neutral, or all-gender, changing room at the swimming-pool and it felt so good! It just felt right, like I identified with myself and the situation more fully and comfortably. 

Funny how something so seemingly small can actually be so meaningful… 

• While running, I saw another runner wearing a T-shirt with the following quote/logo (in what looked like Nike font): “Boycott losing”. 

Maybe I’m misinterpreting it, but it seems like quite a toxic message to me… what does “losing” even mean exactly?

It seems that one of the causes, or aspects, of depression is excessive self-reflection that gets not only the mind but also the physical brain stuck in certain patterns or groves or neurological paths which can lead, among other things, to a sense of separateness or detachment from “other” (our “true self”, loved ones, nature, the world, our job, a meaning in life, etc.). So a way to ease or reverse depression is to get the mind and brain “unstuck”, out of these limited groves, even at a physical level (chemically and/or neurologically). 

I’ve been taking an antidepressant for four weeks now, for the first time ever in my life and on a very small dose. It’s hard to say if that alone has helped improve my general mood or if the recent events in my life, opening up new opportunities and adventures for me, have played a major role. 

Anyway, I have noticed a difference in my dreams lately (and I’ve also been sleeping better). 

I’ve always been able to remember my dreams, and I often enjoy doing so or rely on my dreams to help me better understand situations and/or feelings. But in the past few days I had two dreams which really stuck out as being very different from anything I’ve ever dreamt before. They were both very brief, more like feelings, but very vivid and intense in a beautiful yet powerful way. 

In one, I felt — no, “I” wasn’t actually there, it was as if my “ego” has dissolved but there was something/someone that could still feel. And the feeling was of interconnectedness with the whole planet and an intense awareness of its vulnerability and the danger it’s in as an interconnected ecosystem. The feeling was at once of wanting to help or save the planet while also being part of it and therefore vulnerable and in need of being saved — everything together. 

In the other dream also “I” wasn’t really present but “I” just saw DNA: “I saw” the bases combine, the A’s with the T’s and the C’s with the G’s, and “I” could hear in my mind the words “adenine”, “thymine”, “cytosine”, “guanine”, although it was more like a deep knowledge or awareness than actually “hearing” (note that I am a physicist so these would be only distant memories from high school science!). It just felt so beautiful — somehow “right”, as if it “fit” or was explaining something profound and full of truth, but also delicate, maybe vulnerable. 

I wonder if these dreams with these feelings of interconnectedness and profound truths are due to the antidepressant, if they’re a positive symptom of the antidepressant working and actually helping my brain out of its “stuck patterns”, rewiring it in a healthier way. 

Whether it is or not, I find them fascinating anyway and worth remembering (and sharing). 

I used to love my job, really love it, and I know that I used to bring that love into the classroom while teaching physics and the students felt it and benefited from it and reflected it back to me. The three semester from Fall 2018 through Fall 2019 were particularly gratifying — quite wonderful. Almost magical. But then something broke. The magic is gone. 

The pandemic put everything on hold for three semesters and going back into the classroom this Fall I was hoping some of the magic would come back for me. I knew it would never be as before, as “pre-pandemic”, and it’s definitely better than teaching online; but it’s still broken for me. Because the circumstances have changed since the year 2019, but also I have changed A LOT since then. I’m almost a whole other person. 

It really feels like the end of a relationship. I’m feeling in a similar way to how I felt towards the end of one of my longest romantic relationships, when I couldn’t feel any magic at all anymore, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, when “coming into myself” or just evolving as myself was at odds with the other person in the relationship. But still I tried and hoped and persevered, wondering what had gone wrong, what I might have done wrong, how I could fix it, feeling guilty for not feeling the love or magic anymore, and feeling guilty for not being able to fix it. 

I am feeling in a very similar way about my job now. 

I am not the same person as two or three years ago. The circumstances around me have also changed and the opportunities and limitations in this specific job are much more clear and evident to me now. 

Should I still hope and persevere? Should I still try to “fix” things here? Or is it time for me to go?

Is being unhappy and feeling that something is broken, or that the magic is gone, enough of a reason to leave? 

And why should I feel guilty, anyway, if I feel differently towards my job from how I felt two or three years ago???

In the end, today turned out better than I was expecting — as the simple fact that I’m showing up on the page and writing here shows. 

My “to-do” list not only got me through my day, but I even managed to get more done and in a better spirit than expected. The sun coming out of the clouds this afternoon and my being able to go for a run helped. And I managed to get more prep work done and felt less anxious/stressed about it than I was this morning. 

I’m still tired, though, and the thought of going to school tomorrow is tough. It gets harder almost by the day. 

I used to love teaching, and I still enjoy being in the classroom and transmitting concepts of some of my favorite topics to the students, explaining, answering questions, sometimes maybe even inspiring extra curiosity in some of them. But every evening & morning before school I dread the idea of having to go in. I enjoy those two hours in the classroom, as I get lost in the moment, teaching; and I truly enjoy re-reading the topics and preparing the lessons, especially since I’m teaching some of my favorite topics (fortunately!) — at least when I have the time to do so without being in a rush or stressed out. But most of the time I feel overwhelmed, carrying a huge burden, overshadowed by tiredness and the thought “I can’t do this anymore”. It’s taking me so much more of an effort than it used to in the past — in the past, it didn’t feel like an effort at all, actually! Now it feels mostly like a burden with some brief, rare moments of lightening up. 

So this effort or fatigue with respect to teaching is one of my main feelings now. 

The other one is the desire to be a boy. I don’t know in what sense, exactly. All I know is that the other main thought that goes through my head very often now is, “I want to be a boy”.