Friendship, freedom, and other weird concepts
But also, I am leaving here because I have the wonderful opportunity to spend a few months in a beautiful place that I love, living rent-free with friends (instead of alone and feeling lonely as I do here) while also having plenty of space & time for myself.
That’s hard to beat!
So as scary as this choice may be now, it is a free choice: frightening but also empowering. And if nothing else, it’s a nice break and a breath of fresh air!
Why am I leaving here?
This question has been popping into my mind quite often in the past few days.
The nice, sunny & mild weather, the gorgeous sunsets over the ocean and the walks at the beach; the ocean in the full moon — and being able to enjoy most of these with friends and with one close friend in particular; all the friends and acquaintances and climbing buddies I have here, whose affection and love or, at least, sincere enjoyment in having me around, I can now see & feel so clearly; even my boss’s coming around and showing how much I’m valued at my job… Why am I leaving all this?
I’m so scared of regretting this move, of losing so much that I have built and found here, of not finding it again in another place or even here if I decide to return here…
So why am I leaving, despite this fear and despite all these positive, even wonderful aspects?
I am leaving because I am still burned out by my job and in need of growth in ways that my current professional position cannot provide me without a change of some kind — and what change precisely I need to find out, even by moving away.
I am leaving because I need to understand what my true motivation or drive or dreams in life are: what career do I really want and why? Do I really want to teach, and if so, why? Do I really want to do more research, and if so, why?
I am leaving because I need to step away from this particular school that triggers so much in me, often stirring emotions too intense for me to function in a healthy, sustainable way.
I am leaving in order to finally leave behind me certain aspects and persons from the last chunk of 2-3 years here.
I am leaving so I can finally stop looking for a certain person and a particular white pick-up truck at the climbing gym.
I am leaving so I can admire the sunsets, walk at the beach and in the park, go bouldering outdoors wholly enjoying those places and moments for myself and with true friends who are present in my life now, without being haunted by a ghost.
I am leaving so I can understand how much I truly love this place, or not, and why.
I am leaving in order to allow myself to fall in love freely & unburdened again, to fall in love with places (old & new) and people and experiences.
Although I don’t necessarily have to, I am leaving because I choose to do so now.
There’s a song by Bruce Springsteen called “The long goodbye”. This is one of the few songs whose lyrics I don’t know — I cannot even remember the topic of it. But I can hear the music in my head and the title resonates with my feelings in this moment.
This is maybe the hardest part of my move: when I’m neither really here anymore nor there yet.
When my place is starting to get cluttered with packed (and some half-packed) boxes but there’s also still stuff I’m using daily and will have to pack last-minute, which makes me feel like I have a scattered brain.
And then, there’s the “Goodbye’s” with friends… I had three of them yesterday, two of which with very good, close friends.
One visited me for lunch and we pic-nicked outdoors with her two daughters (to be COVID-safe) while they also tried on various clothes and items that I was giving away: the two little girls took several of my things, and I’m very happy to know they’ll be wearing and enjoying them. I’ll probably see them again next summer — in the meantime, this spring, I’ll miss the older daughter’s birthday… Later my friend texted me, “[…] my heart hurts […]” and I don’t know if she meant because of my moving away or other reasons…
My other good friend visited me for dinner last night — my artist friend who lately coined the term “sproutiness” for my mood, which I like so much. And it was such a lovely evening with them, talking for nearly four hours non-stop!
Between this evening and next Thursday or Friday, I’ll be seeing several other good friends, and then I’ll finally head out.
I’m also starting to realize that these are going to be my last walks at the beach, my last runs on these trails, my last sprees at the Sunday Farmers Market around the corner, at least for six months…
I think that I’m finally starting to truly realize how much I’ve built and got here by seeing how much I’m going to leave behind.
The good news is that I can come back to this place, if I want to — people and relationships might have changed by then (and I guess that’s what scares me the most now), but I can come back, if I want to.
But that’s six months from now.
For the moment, focus on the here&now: the practical aspects of my move; the trip itself; the new adventure; the very-much-needed break; and the “long goodbye’s”.
Sunset. For the remainder of today I’m going to relax and celebrate in a quiet, cozy way.
So much has happened in the past two or three weeks. Several intense and extremely painful incidents that reopened old wounds and/or triggered trauma. But in the end also — and probably especially — positive outcomes. Several important issues in my life, professional and practical as well as personal, have found a resolution, offering me a much brighter outlook on the next months and even year(s). And at a deep emotional level, in the past couple weeks, I have been experiencing growth and changes so intense and radical that they feel like a “Copernican revolution of the soul”.
In the past week I feel like I’ve matured or grown emotionally by a whole decade — in a positive sense. And I’m still reeling from it. It somehow feels so scary. Somehow I’m better at — or feel more comfortable with — dealing with struggles and problems than with things going smoothly or my “wishes coming true”. It’s as if I were constantly in “problem-solver mode” or as if the phrase “be careful what you wish for — it might actually happen” were always haunting me…
I guess I have a constant underlying fear of not deserving or of jinxing things when they go the way I was hoping…
Why?
This morning, my friend’s image of “sproutiness” is more vivid and appropriate than ever. And what makes it even lovelier is that today it’s connected not only to myself but also to this person I’ve been getting close with in the past five months or so: the non-binary climbing buddy who’s become a very dear friend and whom I like in ways that I’ve never experienced before.
The feeling of “sproutiness” and shiny hope connected to this particular relationship is due to the fact that for the first time in years I am, at last, feeling some “special”, deeper connection or attraction to a person who isn’t in some way a priori “unavailable”.
Whether the friendship with this particular person gets stronger or weaker with to my move to Colorado, whether it remains platonic or turns into something also romantic/physical/sexual, I have no idea, and at this point doesn’t really matter. Of course, I hope we won’t lose touch when I move to Colorado — I hope our friendship can continue to blossom despite the geographical distance or practical obstacles. I will always treasure this friendship, the experiences I’ve been having with this person since this past August and feel fortunate for having met them, particularly at this time of my life (for many reasons!).
This already is wonderful and huge. But on top of it, I also see — I feel deeply inside me and see clearly — that I am acting and relating differently with this person than with other people to whom I’ve felt attracted in the past years: I’m acting and relating in a much healthier way. And it’s partly thanks to them, to their maturity, to their availability, to their being “ready/available” for closeness without being needy; but it’s also partly due to my own growth and to the corners I’ve decided to turn.
This is wonderful and feels so good!
Now I know how I want a partner relationship to feel for me, if I ever have one again.
I want it to feel like this relationship with this non-binary climbing friend: being adventure buddies and sharing lots of different fun activities together but also leaving each other space; having closeness and accountability without being stifling or overbearing; openness and honesty without being nosy; caring without being jealous; spontaneous ease in being together and doing things together but also respect and ease in facing possible conflict. And on top of it all, no fixed gender roles!
Sold the cupboard a couple days ago. Started packing boxes yesterday. So liberating!
Just sold my bicycle this morning — bittersweet feelings for that…
My swimmer/artist friend said they sense a “sproutiness” in me at the moment, like I’m “a seed starting to grow sprouts” — I love this image and believe it captures my recent and current emotions very well.
Today I’m feeling tired but happy. And hopeful. Tired from a lot of positive, constructive activities. Hopeful from change on my horizon.
Moving to California six years ago was one of the best decisions of my life — probably my best one to date. But moving away from California now, at least temporarily, feels just as good, just as liberating!
Yes, my friend, I feel like I’m a seed now starting to sprout: I can feel my deeper, healthier goals and dreams and wishes taking form, finally shaking layers of dust or frost off — like shoots slowly starting to grow, preparing for the springtime.
I just hope to be able to hold all these feelings well enough to allow the dreams to take form concretely and in a healthier way than in the past…
OK, I’m done.
This is not simply a “New Year’s resolution”, it’s a “New Life resolution”, very appropriately coming when I’m getting ready to move out of California and try Colorado.
A few good friends of mine have more than once told me, “You’re awesome”, “You’re a super cool person”, “You are a diamond and whoever finds you finds a treasure”. They’ve usually told me this kind of thing in moments when I was struggling or feeling really low and/or lonely. I’ve always been grateful to them for saying such things to me and I’m sure that their encouraging and supportive words have helped me through many rough spots. But I never deeply “believed” those lovely words — I never felt “awesome” or “super cool” or like a “diamond” really profoundly. Until today.
Today I finally absorbed it: “I am awesome”! And I am done wasting this awesomeness on people who cannot wholly engage with it, for their own personal reasons or limits.
Yes, I have so many qualities and skills, and I have achieved so much.
But I am also very bad at romantic relationships. I have had the tendency almost my whole adult life to get into romantic or “special” relationships that drain me, in which I am trying to “save” the other person or often “putting up with” far too much, in one way or another. In me, I have all this light, this bright energy, this enthusiasm; but then it’s like I’m afraid of letting my light shine through fully or scared of releasing and following its full potential — my full potential.
What happened yesterday evening was the last straw — “the feather that broke the camel’s back”. But I’ve learned to use pain and anger to bounce back, stronger.
So that’s it, I’m done: from now on, I’m not going to get into romantic or “special” relationships that stifle me or drain me. I’m going to stop trying to save or baby-sit these guys.
From now on, I’m going to seek — or allow closeness with — only persons who can take my brightness and reflect it back to me and radiate it out to the world together with me, while I do the same with their light.
“[…] work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do” [“The adventures of Tom Sawyer” by Mark Twain]
I believe there’s great truth in this statement — at least, it often feels like that to me.
Play, or fun, particularly shared fun/play, is something I really miss. Some shared, fun, playful, mindless recklessness or wildness with somebody, possibly someone close…
I’ve been missing it especially here in California: I think it’s been partly due to the fact that I was occupied trying to build my career (as well as rebuild almost my whole life in general), but also partly to the culture here, to a different attitude towards fun or life in general, to different values and/or different ways of people connecting. And the pandemic has only made matters worse: it has effectively eliminated the only few sources of genuine fun or shared play I had found and was slowly reintegrating into my life.
I find this extremely sad, and it hurts. I often find myself wondering whether I’ll ever have any truly shared fun or genuine play with others again…
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P.S.: As idle as this issue might sound, I actually believe it to be important. When I talk about genuine play and/or shared fun, I mean a way — or a cause — of feeling alive, of liveliness. Therefore, the lack/loss of genuine play or shared fun is a cause of depression (at least for me, for sure). So it’s actually a health — even healthcare and/or social — issue…
For the first time in a long while, this morning I recognized the person in my bed. I finally felt like my good old self again: that person who wakes up feeling happy and hopeful, looking forward to the day ahead of them, no matter what negative thoughts they might have had the previous night; that person who feels full of energy and can’t stop smiling despite the rainy weather. That’s what I used to be like, almost every single morning. It hadn’t happened in ages, but today it happened again — finally! And I’m still smiling now!
I could hardly believe this feeling — I can still hardly believe it now, and I know it might not last — so I’m celebrating it: by writing about it here, and by repeating to myself, “Good morning, me, welcome back!”
“Good morning, hope, welcome back!”
Yesterday’s NPR “All things considered” edition seemed a little more varied that the usual deluge of “bad/negative news”, so I’m going to share some of the news-clips that gave me some hope and/or diversion last night.
Let’s talk about abortion… really!
Amid the seemingly apocalyptic news on COVID, two positive, hopeful reports:
1) Equity for vaccines!? https://www.npr.org/2022/01/04/1070338017/this-new-low-cost-covid-19-vaccine-could-be-a-game-changer-for-low-income-countr
2) Light at the end of the tunnel… already in March?!? https://www.npr.org/2022/01/04/1070338045/the-case-for-covid-optimism-despite-sky-high-infection-rates
Australian bird-song (a news-clip that made me think of one of my best friends here who loves birds!): https://www.npr.org/2022/01/04/1070338003/twitters-gone-viral-album-of-endangered-bird-songs-charts-in-australia
And last but not least, James Webb Space Telescope: WOW!!!
https://www.npr.org/2022/01/04/1070405378/nasa-james-webb-space-telescope-deploys-sunshield
The Little Prince and the Fox 