The Little Prince and the Fox

Two months ago I had just arrived at my new, temporary home, after a four-day road trip, making it here just in time before a snow-storm. At this time two months ago, I was enjoying my first morning here, cozily indoors as the snow fell abundantly all around me, looking forward to the piles of snow, the wintertime, even the shoveling. 

A month later — one month ago — I was taking balance of my first, very eventful month here, recovering from an intense and in many ways shocking week that had seen me get very ill in a new, unfamiliar (to me) way, ending up in the ED, and trying to cope with the shock of the horrible war that Putin had just unleashed on Ukraine. A month ago at this time, I was recovering from my visits in the hospital, trying to relax and rest, enjoying the company of my host family and trying to cope together with them (also partly European like me) with the news & fear of the war. 

Last night I slept soundly despite the most recent, and totally out-of-season wildfire that started yesterday afternoon and is still threatening thousands of people nearby. I slept dressed, with my cell-phone on (something I never do) and my backpack handy already ready to go with water, snacks and the few things I cannot leave behind if I have to evacuate in a hurry. I was probably being overcautious, but it gave me peace of mind. 

I realize that my personal “unknowns” now are relatively mild and safe, that I have backup options (whether I like them or not), and that I’m in a somewhat privileged situation. However, although the risks I am facing now and have been facing in the past few months are relatively small and “safe” or manageable, especially compared to the danger and suffering that so many people are facing now and have been facing in the past, I still don’t want to discount the peace of mind and groundedness that I have reached because it is also fruit of hard work. 

In these past two years especially, and particularly in the past two months, I have learned to really live in the moment, be here & now. This does not mean I don’t plan or try — indeed, I am applying for jobs here (& all over) and have spent a lot of time this past week looking for a new place to stay. But I’m not upset by the uncertainty as much as I used to be. I have really integrated the sense that we’re here today, gone tomorrow: not in a macabre or fatalistic way, but rather in a carpe diem, seize the day sense. Living each and every day at its best, which sometimes can mean that everything goes wrong that day but still being okay with it. And that even if we’re still here tomorrow, tomorrow might — and actually very probably will — be different. And to be okay with that, too. 

Two months ago, I had just arrived. I still felt up in the air, like a (privileged) refugee, barely gotten off the road and settling it. 

A month ago, I was living with lots of unknowns, holding lots of uncertainties, feeling lots of “in betweens”. 

Now, lots of those “in betweens” have become more clear or solid to me, at least in my mind and soul and heart, even if often not yet in practice. I still don’t know where I’ll be working or living in two months from now, let alone next fall — but that’s months away! Look at everything that has happened, and is still happening, for me and the world in just two months… 

Today, I’m going to plant as many seeds as I can, hoping they fall in fertile ground; I’m going to water them and try to give them the right amount of sunshine; but I’m also going to try and let them grow and blossom at their own rhythm, while enjoying them, and admiring them and even learning from them as they do so.  

And being (or trying to be..!) grateful for every second I have on this Earth — “every day is a gift: that’s why we call it the ‘present’!“

Over the past few days, I’ve heard this question asked more than once, albeit in different ways.

It’s Trans Awareness Week and I’ve been participating in the events that are being locally organized (which is a wonderful and totally new experience to me in itself!).

Last night I went to one of the first events: a Q&A session open to anyone with some volunteer trans panelists. At a certain point, someone in the audience raised the question: “More than once, I have been told that, or asked whether, non-binary is just an aesthetic… How do I reply to that?”

As I heard the question, and then the panelists’ answers, being formulated, I realized how often I’ve also been told, or asked that same thing, albeit it in a different, sometimes more veiled way (and thus often more difficult to respond to).

As I’ve decided to try to move here for good and cannot stay with my host family forever, I’m looking for a new place to live, so I’ve been meeting more people and even having deep conversations for “communal living” situations with possible future housemates. In all of these cases, my non-binary/trans identity has been something I’ve made very clear from the beginning, explaining how important it is to me. And I’ve encountered respect and acceptance, at least on the face of it. But there’s a question that I was asked during the in-person house-meeting/interview a few days ago, that is nagging at me and feeling worse the more I think back to it – also thanks to the question raised last night, “Is non-binary just an aesthetic?”

At that in-person house-meeting/interview the other evening, I explained quite in detail how I felt: I had already had a long phone conversation with one of the possible future housemates and they were all very sweet, respectful, open-minded persons, so I felt safe sharing a little more than with other strangers or new acquaintances. I explained that I’m non-binary, that to put it simply I feel that “I’m a boy in a girl’s body“ and that it is extremely important for me that “they” pronouns be used when referring to me. I added, to make it very clear, that if I joined them and they were asked about who lives in the house, I would like the answer to be along the lines of “X men, Y women, and one non-binary person” (unless there were also other non-binary persons living in the house and who are “out”). They were totally fine with that; but then one of them asked me, “What if someone asks, ‘OK, but what is this non-binary’s person’s body? Is it male or female?’”. In that moment, the question just caught me off-guard and surprised me, but since then it has been feeling worse and worse. I feel it’s along the lines of the question “Is non-binary just an aesthetic?” with emphasis on that word, just, with a sort of discounting, almost derogative, or judgmental sense to it.

Now, the more I think of it and the more I let myself feel freely how that question from my possible future housemates affected me the other evening, I realize it really upset me. To me, it’s a prying question, it’s a violent question. I feel like whoever is asking such a question is basically asking, “OK but what does that person have inside his/her pants?” (Note: I purposefully ditched the correct “their” pronoun here!). That’s a horrible question: a question NO ONE should ever be asked: whether trans or cis, whether binary or non-binary, nobody should have to be asked about their genitals/sex, their color, their religion, their age, their orientations, unless they happily, explicitly give that info. Period.

So, HECK NO, non-binary is not just an aesthetic!

And what my body is, is my own business!

The mountains on the horizon, there in the West, are particularly beautiful this morning: the sky is heavy with grey (rain?) clouds everywhere except for right over the mountains, which are all covered in white from yesterday’s snowfall and now gleaming in the sunshine, in those rays of light that seem to be there just to point out this gorgeous landscape, to remind the world of that beauty.

Is this an omen for the feeling that I could have with respect to my own body, there, in the future but within reach, if I wanted it?

Since last summer/autumn I have come to really accept and like my body as it is, after a quarter of a century of body-image issues and struggles. But more recently, I have started actually asking myself if I’m happy with just accepting it or whether I would like more?

I believe that having finally found acceptance of my body as it is now is a huge step for me. But until recently I thought that was the “end station” for my relationship with my body. Now I’m realizing that there could be more: more work for me to do but also, and especially, more gratification and more feeling really myself as I want to be, as I see myself, as I am.

I have come to accept the layer of fat on my thighs which, while still not being much, definitely gives my thighs a female shape. I’ve come to accept it partly because I know that I need a minimum amount of fat in my body for it to function in a healthy way as a female body and to thus stave off problems such as osteoporosis later in life; and partly because my body shape, including or maybe especially that layer of fat rounding my thighs and butt, has brought me approval from the external world (basically, it’s been one of the things that made me attractive to males I’ve liked). But are social approval/sexual attractiveness and being rational about making the best of my body’s genetic features enough, especially if I can change my body?

My whole life I have wanted to get rid of my round thighs: not because I didn’t want to be fat but, rather, because I wanted to be lean and muscular, I wanted the straight body because that meant being masculine which felt more like me. It’s not that I wanted to be skinny: I didn’t want to be a woman because I felt I wasn’t one.

And now that I am finally meeting people who have gone through different processes of changing their body to make it more aligned to their identity, now that I’m actually hearing and  seeing that it’s possible, now that I’m seeing the beautiful results (both physical and mental/emotional beauty) that these interventions can bring — now I’m finally allowing myself to entertain the idea of doing it myself: not just trying to get the biggest shoulders I can with intense exercise and protein (plant-based, not easy!) and creatinine supplements sometimes, but actually taking testosterone. Not just hiding my small breasts in billowy shirts or squishing them in tight sports bras, or ditching bras altogether, but actually getting a mastectomy. Not just accepting my rounded thighs and hiding them, sometimes, in big baggy trousers or under a long sweater, but actually waiting for testosterone to help change those, too. Not just living with organs I’ve never needed and never will need and that might actually give me nuisances as I move through my forties and then age, but actually getting a hysterectomy. How would I feel then?

It’s a fact that the part of my body I love and praise the most is my strong, lean, boyish upper body (with the exception of my small breasts) and that when my muscle mass is reduced from less exercise (like moments of sickness and/or injury), all I can think of is getting it back, as much and as soon as I can, in order to see the boy in me reflected back to me in the mirror.

If I could really choose, what is the body I would truly want, the body that would truly feel like me?

In the past week or two, as spring hasn’t been just knocking on winter’s door but actually shoving it open, I’ve found myself yearning for a little more winter – not only the astronomical or meteorological winter, but also the emotional “wintering”: a little more quiet, a little more stillness, a little more coziness inside protected by piles of snow outside.

I have been enjoying the warmer temperatures, the lighter snow that doesn’t require shoveling, the almost constant sunshine. I just would have needed a few more days, a couple more weeks of wintering – probably because I haven’t had it in so long and I know I won’t have it again for a while. It’s not just the winter season with winter sports, winter traditions, winter fun, winter issues – I’ll get plenty of all that if I really manage to move here. It’s the fact that this winter was particular, special for me because I’m on leave from work, because I have more free time to do my own things, to relax and recover, to explore and discover without having to rush: this is a window I was given, a precious pause in a comfortable and privileged situation that happens only very rarely, sometimes once in a lifetime (and for many people, never). And it’s been so good for me, so beneficial, clarifying, grounding, healing, and encouraging that maybe just a little more would have been nice.

Today I’m getting a moment’s pause, though: the warm, almost shameless sunshine of the past week or so has left space to a quietly convinced cloudy sky. Maybe even rain or snow – definitely snow up in the mountains. It’s one of those days where time seems to pause between winter and spring – not the former anymore, but not even the latter yet. Just a pause – maybe Nature catching its breath for a moment before rolling on again.

So I’ll take a pause today, too.

Yesterday, I rushed to make a deadline for the textbook I’m working on and was able to submit another chapter. Today I’ll pause before starting a new one. Pause in my search for a new place to live here. Pause in my job applications here. Catch up with various odds and ends that need to be done. Take care of myself and the cat. Enjoy the clouds – and the snow that has just started falling now!

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P.S.: I am so thankful for this grey weather! For the heavy clouds, for the snow/rain showers. For Chopin’s piano works: for the pleasure they’re giving me in listening to them again now as well as the sweet memories they bring. For this time to actually sit and relax and listen to this beautiful music. For this opportunity for self-care. For this pause within a pause.

On my hike/climb yesterday I injured my ankle pretty badly. And yet, over the past couple weeks, for me the feeling has crystalized that I am, in general, really finding my footing here.

I’ve decided I’m going to stay here. I’m going to do everything it takes to allow me to stay and grow and build my career and reshape my personal life here.

As is often the case for me, this important decision came almost spontaneously, surfacing almost on its own from the broiling waters of “in betweens” that have been my landscape for the past month or so. It’s like bubbles surfacing in a frothy pond, or a meadow appearing clearly after a snow storm, or an island on the horizon emerging peacefully after a violent gale.

I’m staying here because I want to stay here. Because I like it here and feel happy, at peace here, and because there seem to be concrete professional pathways that are better supported for my interests here. I’m not staying because I dread or loath California: I’ve made peace with California and will always love the place where I spent six very important years of my life, I’ll always love it as one can love an ex-partner with whom one has found a kind, sweet, loving closure. Something or someone that one might go back to later on in life, as an old friend.

I’m ready to give this place here a chance, to give myself a chance here. I’m also ready for (a) romantic relationship(s). Probably I’m ready to finally try and make the effort, invest in (a) romantic relationship(s) precisely because I have found my own geographical and, hopefully, professional, footing.

My non-binary climbing friend in California, whom I like in a special way, has asked me again if they can come visit me here. And this time I said “yes”. Because I know that no matter how much I like them and regardless of where they want to live or of what happens between us, I want to stay here for now.

On my hike/climb with a new climbing buddy here yesterday, he asked me about my romantic relationship situation. Despite it being a new acquaintance, I feel very comfortable with him and I knew there were no “extra meanings” in his question, that it was just genuine interest between two people who are building a new friendship. This feeling, together with my own newly-found grounding, allowed me to answer very openly and honestly – that I don’t have a partner now, that I don’t like to do online dating, but especially that it’s hard for me to find someone because of my non-binary/trans gender identity, because “I am a boy who likes boys”. His spontaneous reply to the latter was, “There’s nothing wrong with that!” So I explained better, telling more about myself: “Yes, but it’s not easy to find guys who see me that way because I have a female body. I’m a boy in a girl’s body. I like my body and I don’t think I want to do surgery or take hormones to change it, but it’s difficult for me, and has been very difficult for me in some past relationships, to not be seen as a boy by the guys I like”.

My being able to say all that to someone whom I’ve known for only a short while comes not only from the instinctive ease & familiarity I feel with him, but also and probably foremost from my own newly-found confidence. From finding my own footing.

“This is who I am, this is what I want – whether you like it or understand it, or not”.

Early this morning, I did my first free solo ever! At least in climbing – in life, I guess I’ve been “free solo-ing” for a while now…  

A few days ago, when I went for the first time to a school here where I’m collaborating part-time, I met one of the PhD students and she helped me around. As we took our teas and pastries at the end of the line in the cafeteria, I instinctively managed to hold all my stuff (jacket, bag, beverage, snack) on my own, shifting objects between hands and even using my legs to hold things. And the grad student, a very acute and sweet person with whom I’d been chatting for over half an hour at that point, said: “You’re a very independent person, used to doing everything on your own, right?” – and then, smiling, “I could help you hold something”.

I guess I’ve gotten used to “free solo” a lot in my life, for better or for worse…

Today, I hiked/climbed the second Flatiron with a new friend here. And twisted my ankle really badly jogging a little stretch on the way up, before starting the climb. I knew it was hurt worse than the many times I’ve rolled an ankle while being on trails. But I was there, at the bottom of the Flatiron’s face and really wanted to climb it. My muscles were still warm and adrenaline was flowing through me, so the pain was still subdued.

We started to climb. My heart was already racing from the effort of the steep uphill hike worsened by my (hopefully temporary) hyperthyroidism symptoms. But once I was on the Flatiron’s face it was more like a question of survival. I could only climb upwards. No other option. Downclimbing would have been way worse. And my friend couldn’t carry me.  

“You’re killing it!”, he encouraged me from a few meters uphill. “Is this your first free solo?”, he asked. And when I replied in the affirmative, he was amazed: “That’s impressive – you’re so confident!”.

Well, I was confident because I had no other option, because I’ve gotten used to having to get through things on my own even when they hurt or scare me, or both. And this did scare me. Or would have scared me if I had stopped and thought or looked over my shoulder. But I didn’t. I just kept going. I was really enjoying it: this is the kind of fear and risk that I enjoy, that I like to push through because it brings me satisfaction and growth. I know I will have learned from this and next time I’ll simply enjoy the Second Flatiron with no fear. And then I might be ready for the Third or First Flatiron(s)… This morning, though, it was the awareness of having no choice but to climb upwards with my own hands and feet —  and the adrenaline – that kept me going. It’s amazing what adrenaline can do, and make us do. High heart rate, near-race effort, hunger, some pain, some fear – everything was gone in an almost-tunnel-like vision of making it with the upward climb. But apart from the adrenaline, I think there’s also a conditioning that comes from having gotten somewhat used to making it through tough spots with only one’s own strength, with no other option.

Survival mode —  and elation. I get why some people do this kind of thing at a much higher level as their life.

For me now, safely and cozily at home having made my first easy free solo, there’s just to hope that my ankle will heal soon enough…!

It’s a fine line between solitude and loneliness. And for me that line is often determined by tiredness — physical as well as mental. 

Tonight I’m tired. The physical effort of climbing outdoors in very cold weather on top of the mental/emotional effort of meeting and socializing with new people and finding my way in a new place is taking its toll this evening. 

Tonight I wish there were someone to hold me, somebody who could take care of me instead of just me, myself taking care of myself, as I’ve had to do almost continuously in the past years. 

The “lone road” is a tough one. It can be very rewarding, too; but tonight I can only feel its toughness and the need for a hug that I know I won’t get. 

The sun shone fiercely into my room this morning, pouring through the East-facing windows. 

Or so it seemed to me, after two mornings of muffled whiteness from the snowfall of the past couple days. 

I love listening to what my body needs, almost with the unselfconsciousness of some other animal, like the cat I’m looking after or my pet snake. They do what they feel the need to do, just listening to their bodies. And for a few months, I have the fortune to do the same. 

I was very sick in the past couple weeks, hardly able to do anything and leaving the house only to go to doctors visits. And, of course, no exercising at all! In the past, this would have driven me crazy, made me feel terribly frustrated and reignited my body-image issues, giving me a sense of guilt about eating if I didn’t exercise. This time was different. Maybe I’ve learned the lesson from being extremely sick with COVID two years ago. I just let my body do its thing. And gradually I’ve felt my health, my strength come back. Monday I felt an intense desire to swim: so I went to the pool and did laps for as long as my body could take it. Tuesday my body itched for a run, so that’s what I did: my first run in ten days and as I listened to my steps in the snowy fields I was actually able to do better than the last time I ran. But most importantly, I felt great after the run, after the swim. I didn’t overdo it, nor am I starving myself, as I might have done in the past. I eat when and whatever my body asks for it (embarrassingly healthy stuff most of the time anyway!). 

Yesterday we got a lot of snow. Tons of snow again. As early as 7 in the morning, it looked like it would be a “snow-in” day. So I pondered canceling my tattoo consultation appointment and just making a day of it working at home. But I felt an itch. Snow was falling thickly, the sky was low and heavy with grey-white clouds, visibility was reduced by the flakes swirling in the wind. And yet, the snow wasn’t sticking on the ground: I could drive to my errands safely enough. I’d be pushing my comfort zone but that was what I felt that I needed. It was an anxious drive to the tattoo parlor and then another anxious stretch to the bakery where I decided to pick up a couple muffins to pamper myself, almost as a prize for my bravery. But it was worth it. It was technically safe enough to drive. I would have regretted postponing my tattoo consultation and the muffins were delicious! 

Snow: enjoy it while you can. That was my thought, my feeling, as I came home, starving for a late lunch but itching to immerse myself in the white swirl and snowy fields. 

It was just a short walk, just a couple miles, in the snowy fields and below-freezing temperatures. Everything was white and quiet around me: the silence was absolute apart from the gentle howl of the wind and my crunchy steps. I couldn’t see the path in the fields but I know the way by now, so I just walked and walked, feeling my heart pumping, my legs and arms moving in synchrony, my warm breath meeting the freezing air, every inch of my body tingling from cold and excitement. 

I love this feeling of conditioning myself to the cold: both mentally, like driving in the snow in unfamiliar conditions, and physically, getting out there and exercising in the cold, enjoying the snow that I’ve missed for half a dozen years. 

This morning is slow. It feels like my body just wants to melt into the couch, like all my muscles would just want to let go. There’s no sense of sickness or sadness or lack of motivation: it’s just a need for relaxation, for slowing down, for enjoying this moment even if I’m doing nothing but sipping tea and petting the cat purring in my lap. I can tell that today I need to take it easy, so I will (despite the errands I must go on).

Listen to the body: the body knows. This is also part of conditioning: coaxing my body (& soul) back to health and tranquility.

I know this is privilege. This break is a gift. And as such, I’ll make the best of it.

On my road trip driving over from California to Colorado six weeks ago, one of the CDs I listened to the most was an old album of Meredith Brooks, “Deconstruction”. One of my favorite songs from this album is “Sin City” and I still listen to it very often, sometimes on repeat. I really like the tune and lyrics of the whole song, but the chorus has a particular pull on me and I often enjoy singing just the refrain to myself.

I love to sing (although this thyroid issue is making it harder on my throat) and since the pandemic I have started doing so more often in public places that are wide open and where I feel nobody will really notice me (or I won’t really bother anyone). 

I was doing so today as I walked through the hospital’s parking-lot after getting blood tests done —  singing the refrain from Meredith Brooks song “Sin City” over and over totally unselfconsciously. And when I got to my car, I just sang one more round, thinking there was nobody nearby. But then, when I finished, I heard a voice from right behind me say, “Thank you”. At first I didn’t turn around, I was partly embarrassed and partly convinced it wasn’t directed at me. But then the voice came again: “Thank you — Hello!?”. So I turned around and saw this person in their car right next to where mine was parked, smiling and reaching out of their window to give me a yellow flower. “That was lovely” they said as they handed me the yellow flower. “Here, this is for you, a flower of peace”. 

It made my day.