Rejection — Punch in the stomach

Rejection feels like a punch in the stomach to me. 

Every time. It never gets easier. It hurts like hell every time, no matter how often it has happened to me, no matter how prepared I might be for it. Even when I know it’s going to hit — like I did yesterday evening — the punch in the stomach is still extremely painful. And then, afterwards, when I’m idle, a clenching in my chest — like the anxiety in a burgeoning panic attack, I think. 

The body keeps the score. 

How old, how deep is this trauma of rejection within me, in my body? 

There are some relational needs that keep going unmet for me. Some include physical touch and sexual connection within “friends with benefits” contexts. And the ongoing lack of getting those specific needs met, along with the fact that my external/bodily alignment with my inner gender-identity was something that I got so late in life and the current, extremely hostile political and social situation for trans/nonbinary/gender-nonconforming people, makes me particularly vulnerable when the rejection comes in that area of life/relationships. 

Such a rejection came for me last night and it really, really hurts.

More good news this week!

Although these aren’t the only issues at stake right now, we must celebrate the good news that we do have:

– One Colorado is reporting that The True Center and Denver Health are to reinstate gender-affirming care for youth in Colorado!!!!!!!!

(Big thanks to One Colorado and CO Attorney General Phil Weiser!)

And:

– “Democrats in Maine are fighting back against President Donald Trump’s dictate excluding transgender athletes from school sports after he called the state out in a speech on Thursday.”

[from the article “Trump made an anti-trans threat in Maine. Its Democrats are fighting back” in LGBTQ Nation]

Hell Yeah! We won’t be erased!!!

“Routines in the night”

“ 

Walk the layout, routines in the night

Some doors have “stay out” spray painted in white

While all the world’s asleep, I walk around instead

Through the memories, down the halls of my head

Walk the layout, routines in the night

Some doors have “stay out” spray painted in white

While all the world’s asleep, I walk around instead

Through the memories, down the halls of my head

Here comes a new night but I’ll send it through

I’ll probably jump on the next one

I’m testing the limits of what a mind can do

I’m keeping my eyelids up, no matter what

So beautiful, the space between

A painful reminder and a terrible dream

I’ve been here before and I’ve got time

I’ll give you the tour, show you why I-

Walk the layout, routines in the night

Some doors have “stay out” spray painted in white

While all the world’s asleep, I walk around instead

Through the memories, down the halls of my head

Reoccurring, keeps coming around

REM cycle skip, night psycho trip

It’s reassuring you keep coming around

It’s tough to find good company

Reoccurring, days blurring

I’m still learning what this is (what this is, what this is, what this is)

Just keep me company

So beautiful, the space between

A painful reminder and a terrible dream

I’ve been here before and I’ve got time

I’ll give you the tour, show you why I-

I’ll show you why I-

I’ll show you why I-

Walk the layout (the layout), routines in the night (in the night)

Some doors have “stay out” (stay out) spray painted in white (in white)

While all the world’s asleep (all the world’s asleep), I walk around instead

Through the memories (through the memories), down the halls of my head

Walk the layout, routines in the night

Some doors have “stay out” spray painted in white

While all the world’s asleep (all the world’s asleep), I walk around instead

Through the memories, down the halls of my head

“

[Song “Routines in the night” by Twenty One Pilots]

The risk of a terrible sense of impunity

One of the things that worries and upsets me the most about the current political situation and new government is not only the awful, backward, discriminatory laws, which are terrible and horrible in & as of themselves. It’s also the sense of impunity and license that the government’s laws, words, attitudes will give — and maybe are already giving — to mean, hateful, close-minded people to act out and harm people like me, harm and/or attack whoever is “different”. 

My monsters come out at night

Valentine’s Day is right up there with Christmas as far as “days that I hate the most” go. As a single aromantic person Valentine’s Day, and often the weekend around it, is basically hell for me. 

But this year the whole weekend around Valentine’s Day turned out to be really lovely. 

On Thursday, Feb. 13th, I reconnected with a good old friend, a sailing buddy from California who’d also been a friend with benefits for a while. He reached out to me, sort of out of the blue, and we talked like it had been yesterday. And his being totally unfazed by my gender-journey, considering that he’s a cis-het guy who had sex with me when I “looked like a girl”, was wonderfully affirming and comforting. 

On Friday evening, one of my closest nonbinary friends & I went out for a queerplatonic Valentine’s. And it was one of the loveliest evenings I had had in a while: a perfect mix of fun, spontaneity, exploration in town, lightheartedness and sharing, along with bonding and navigating some difficult emotions. 

On Saturday night, if it hadn’t been for the snow storm, I would have been out in friendly, fun, queer company with another of my closest & most supportive nonbinary/trans friends. 

On Sunday, I had my usual chorus rehearsal, which was super fun; and before that, I had coffee with a “potential new (platonic) friend” in the chorus, another cis gay man with whom I feel a lot of affinity — so that felt really nice, too. 

Yet, despite all these moments of lightheartedness and shared fun and positive feelings, my monsters are still haunting me.

They come out at night. Their claws rip through my sleep, their teeth gnaw at my mind, and once they’ve woken me up, I can’t fall asleep for hours and I lay in bed, tossing and turning, feeling exhausted, exasperated. And then of course, it becomes a vicious circle because the more they claw at me, the more they gnaw at my mind, the more my mind spins and all the worst thoughts come out, like all of the world’s troubles spilling out of Pandora’s box… 

Feb. 14th: some more breaking good news

Direct quote from Erin Reed’s email:

“Breaking good trans news: A federal judge sides with Washington, Oregon, and Minnesota and has just blocked Trump’s anti-trans executive order banning care under the age of 19 via a temporary restraining order.

This is the second federal judge in a row to conclude that the President’s threat to pull funding from hospitals providing care is likely unconstitutional. Washington AG Nick Brown didn’t mince words when he said what this means for hospitals that have stopped providing care: “I want to encourage all of the providers in this state, in the state of Oregon and the state of Minnesota, who also joined this effort, to get back to work to continue to provide the medically necessary care for their children.”

Oregon has the first press release: https://www.doj.state.or.us/media-home/news-media-releases/federal-judge-agrees-with-ag-rayfield-blocks-trump-order-on-gender-affirming-care/ “

YAY!

I just hope something similar happens ASAP for passports & CRBAs…

Feb. 13th news: The light of resistance shines on

Sharing some good (at least temporary/partial) news:

Federal judge blocks Trump order on health care for transgender youth (WaPo)

Federal judge pauses President Trump’s order restricting gender-affirming care for trans youth (AP)

This is a ‘temporary restraining order’ which goes into effect blocking enforcement of the executive order (withholding funds) before the case could get heard more fully in court. It will be in effect for 14 days and could be extended.

This is a judicial procedure meant to halt the clear harm of an action while further hearings are held. So nothing is final yet — and this could go back and forth with a series of appeals through different courts over time. But this is a good first step and a good sign.

An epistrophe poem: With my boy’s chest

“

Running again, no sports-bra needed anymore, with my boy’s chest

Climbing shirtless, bare rock under my fingers, with my boy’s chest 

Swimming, fresh water flowing over my whole body, with my boy’s chest

Standing in front of the mirror, smiling, recognizing myself at last 

With my boy’s chest

”

It gets more terrifying for trans people every day

[Trigger warning: transphobic measures]

Trans (as well as nonbinary, gender-nonconforming, and intersex) people are being stripped of their human rights, daily, one move at a time (& this latest move affects me directly, in a terrifying way, both for my passport and for my CRBA): 

“… 

According to the new memo, passports and Consular Report of Birth Abroad records that have already been issued with an “X” sex marker are valid until replaced or expired. Travelers who were issued passports with “X” markers within the last year can request to replace them at no cost for passports with a binary “F” or “M” sex marker by submitting a correction form. 

The guidance applies to all in-progress passport applications and any future applications received as of last Friday, the memo states.  

Under the new guidance, in-process applications requesting an “X” sex marker will be changed to male or female using a review of all available evidence establishing sex assigned at birth, such as a birth certificate, government-issued ID or prior passport record, according to the memo. 

If the evidence submitted with the application doesn’t sufficiently establish the applicant’s sex assigned at birth — because, for example, their documentation does not show their birth sex, shows conflicting information regarding their birth sex, only lists an “X” marker or includes a designation like intersex — the application must be suspended, the memo states. 

According to the new memo, passports and Consular Report of Birth Abroad records that have already been issued with an “X” sex marker are valid until replaced or expired. Travelers who were issued passports with “X” markers within the last year can request to replace them at no cost for passports with a binary “F” or “M” sex marker by submitting a correction form. 

The guidance applies to all in-progress passport applications and any future applications received as of last Friday, the memo states.  

Under the new guidance, in-process applications requesting an “X” sex marker will be changed to male or female using a review of all available evidence establishing sex assigned at birth, such as a birth certificate, government-issued ID or prior passport record, according to the memo. 

If the evidence submitted with the application doesn’t sufficiently establish the applicant’s sex assigned at birth — because, for example, their documentation does not show their birth sex, shows conflicting information regarding their birth sex, only lists an “X” marker or includes a designation like intersex — the application must be suspended, the memo states. “

[From NBC News: “Passports with ‘X’ sex markers will be valid until they expire or are renewed, State Department says”]

Dark Nights — Unbearable Loneliness

I remember feeling this way back in California. The dark, dark nights when all the darkest thoughts, the most unbearable loneliness, the deepest and most wrenching craving for comforting human touch that I couldn’t have kept me awake for hours or haunted my restless dreams. 

I’m sure I had some moments like that here in Colorado, too, in the past three years that I’ve been living here, but somehow I cannot remember them as well as the dark, lonely nights in California. 

Which seems to confirm that this is, indeed, one of the roughest bouts of loneliness that I’ve been experiencing in a long time. 

Or am I just “more aware” of the loneliness and more clearly aware of what precise needs I have now? 

I need more human touch, more human touch of the friendly and comforting kind.

I am, once again, starved of human touch. 

It’s mostly circumstantial now, I think, since over the past couple years and especially over the past few months I have either been building new relationships which are inherently more touchy-feely or have been loosening up into more comforting touch with some established platonic friends. But in the past couple weeks especially the sources of comforting, friendly touch from my queer spheres of friendships have drastically diminished, or temporarily been paused, for different reasons (seasonal illness, new jobs, new relationships, fatigue, conflicting schedules…). And for many months now I haven’t had my other source of physical connection that comes from climbing with my close buddies. That has also been circumstantial (injuries, new life goals/paths with spouses and/or new careers…), but it’s real and affects me. 

The temporary loss, or decrease, of physical intimacy and/or or comforting touch from my friends and chosen families, i.e. from that safe “little bubble of mine”, added to the general hostility I’m feeling toward my community and myself as a trans person, in particular, from the “outer world” has just become almost impossible to bear in this past week. I can really feel it affecting my emotional and mental well-being. 

My battery of human touch is drained, I’m down to a dangerously-close-to-unfunctional level of loneliness: how do I replenish this battery that we need so badly as humans?