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This is the type of loneliness I’ve so often, too often, been feeling for decades, beautifully put into words by Fredrik Backman in his book “Anxious People”: “ The […] was sitting alone in the hall. She could hear the voices of the people […], but they might as well have been in a differentContinue reading “The greatest loneliness in the world”

[Trigger warning: death, loss, grief.] “Aujourd’hui, papa est mort. Ou peut-être hier, je ne sais pas.”

A week has come and gone and my dad still seems to be alive (I don’t know in what conditions of consciousness but “technically alive”), once again defeating the doctors’ (& my mother’s) dire prognostics.  It’s been two full weeks since I last heard from my special genderqueer European friend. They sent me a sweetContinue reading “Sometimes all we can do is wait”

This is my choice. This place is my choice. Living here is my choice. Despite it being partly the cause of some of my current pain because it entails geographical distance and/or separation from several loved ones.  But it also keeps me close to many other loved ones. This particular spot, this particular trail &Continue reading “This is my choice”

[Spoiler alert (last paragraph in italics): quote from the end of the novel (& movie) “Call me by your name”] I want to hold onto the good memories. And that might have to be partly also an active exercise stemming from an active choice.  In the past week my focus as well as my painContinue reading “I want to remember the good times”

[Trigger warning: grief, loss, death] I just finished reading the wonderful book “My grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry” by Fredrick Backman — quite serendipitous, since it’s a lovely, delicate book on loss, grief, and the power of stories & community (family, friends, etc.) to heal. (As well as the power of embracingContinue reading “What we leave behind when we go”

How much grief can one heart take before being completely shattered? How much pain can one heart take before ending up crushed and giving up? I feel like mine is beyond its limits at this point.  Apparently, my father has been hospitalized again and this round it seems to be for the very last time:Continue reading “How much grief?”

“  Fuck Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time It’s something unpredictable But in the end, it’s right I hope youContinue reading ““Good Riddance (Time of your Life)””

One year ago I was officially starting my second post-doc, which effectively felt like the begining of a second chance (at a career in academia) for me.  Today marks the first weekend in five weeks that I’m spending without being in the company of, and without sleeping with, a sexually/romantic partner. In a sense, it’sContinue reading “New beginning?”

I think it might be good for me to reread the (excellent) book “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern.   In this and other books about consensual nonmonogamy, two main reasons for people to practice consensual nonmonogamy are outlined, namely: being nonmonogamous as a lifestyle (e.g. for philosophical, social, political, or practical reasons) or being nonmonogamous as anContinue reading “Polyamorous — Work in Progress”