Category Archives: Uncategorized

It’s a month away from my birthday, my 42nd birthday.  And my English grandmother, Grandmummy, died exactly a decade ago.  I can still remember that day: it was a weekend day (Saturday, I think). I was living in Barcelona with my ex-partner at the time and we went out for a long walk that afternoon;Continue reading “Thoughts & feelings on October 12th, 2023”

I just walked into Caribou Coffee in Minneapolis and saw a trans flag & a non-binary flag at the cashier register and nearly started to cry. I literally had to take a moment to catch my breath before making my order. I’m in Minneapolis for a one-day work event, the “Future Faculty Symposium” organized byContinue reading

Today’s eight months after my gender-affirming top-surgery, a.k.a. masculinizing mastectomy.  Today’s also four weeks after hitting rock bottom at the end of August, like sinking to the bottom of the ocean, and then starting to come back up.  The coming back up hasn’t been easy or rosy, and in many ways I still feel disheartenedContinue reading “The importance of dates & rituals for me”

In the past months I’ve been feeling like a failure, over and over, day in and day out: I feel that I’ve failed in every aspect of my life, professional as well as personal.  I still feel that way. And this sense of failure is sometimes so overwhelming that it is paralyzing.  I truly doContinue reading “True Love vs. Failure”

I’m feeling frustrated, maybe even a mix of sad and angry.  I have this beautiful body and cannot share it with anyone, because of heartbreak & trauma.  It isn’t the first time that I’ve felt this way. For several years now I’ve often felt that I’m wasting my “golden years”, wasting the best years ofContinue reading “Trigger points”

One of my closest transmasc/non-binary friends here in Colorado just shared with me the song “Man of my dreams” by transmasculine artist Ezra Michel and it instantly became a favorite of mine — I resonate with it completely, every single line of the song feels like it’s my story, how I feel now…  I amContinue reading ““Man of my dreams””

It’s weird, this feeling of naming and asking for what I want.  It’s also confusing, dizzying, and terrifying in many ways — it puts so much responsibility, so much pressure, on one, on oneself, on me.  If I name, ask for, actually go for, what I want, then I’m (more) responsible for the outcome, forContinue reading “Naming more of “what I want””

My counselor is also encouraging me to start thinking about, and actually naming, what I want within relationships, especially romantic ones.  It’s not the first time that a therapist, after listening to me repeat dozens of times “I should…”, “I could…”, “I can…”, “I cannot…” with respect to some relationship or other, has bluntly askedContinue reading “What I want (in this moment)”

In our session last week, my therapist suggested I write a love letter to myself, i.e. what I would like or need to hear from a lover / loved one, what it means to me to be loved (especially in the context of romantic relationships, but not only).  Here’s what came out of me yesterday,Continue reading “Love letter to me”

Yesterday I spent my whole Friday evening with a relatively new but also already very good friend — a friendship that started within the queer/trans community, spurred mostly/initially by our both being climbers (& very much outdoors, trad climbers), and that seems to be turning into a nice, well-rounded friendship that includes meals/drinks and aContinue reading “From object to subject?”