Author Archives: adventurerliberated

It’s snowing hard outside and the temperatures are dropping drammatically again before plummeting well below freezing tonight and tomorrow. Everything is coated in white and I’m glowing inside. Today I got picked up at the climbing gym. By another queer person.  I haven’t experienced this kind of simply fun, uncomplicated mutual attraction in so muchContinue reading “Queer vibe”

I had years, over three decades, to get used to my female body, to make compromises with it, to put up with it, to try and love it or, at least, appreciate it — whether I liked it or not, with a mixture of positive and toxic messages from society.  As I was washing myContinue reading “Growing body hair”

[Trigger warning: explicit language about mammogram and, especially, breasts.] Today I had my first (& hopefully last) mammogram ever.  I had it done three hours ago and I’m still feeling all emotional and confused about it.  I cried a little in the clinic and wish I could cry some more now: cry more fully, moreContinue reading “Mammogram”

Despite my recent concerns and waking up feeling really worried and lonely yesterday, at the end I had an absolutely wonderful weekend.  The first aspect that made it so wonderful was that I spent both days, almost wholly, in company of very good friends: a relaxing afternoon & evening going for a walk, enjoying downtown,Continue reading “Wonderful weekend”

Once again this morning I was awake at 5 o’clock and couldn’t fall back asleep — same as yesterday. What is worrying me now, and thus disrupting my early-morning sleep, is my upcoming masculinizing mastectomy.  On the one hand, I can hardly wait to do it and can’t wait to go bare-chested at the swimming-poolContinue reading “I’m worried”

Tonight I took myself out on a date.  Just a few days ago, I discovered that one of the cafes in town has live music on Thursday nights. So this evening, despite the freezing temperatures, I decided to take myself out and go check it out. I was anxious and doubtful because I’m still feelingContinue reading “Coming to Life in Winter”

How can it be that people still keep misgendering me so much, so often???  It’s gotten worse lately — or, at least, that’s how it feels to me. Probably it feels worse to me, on the one hand, because I’m feeling more and more masculine, more and more like a boy and therefore having peopleContinue reading “How can it be?”

Oh, the memories brought back by this song [“Hot & Heavy” by Lucy Dacus]…  Being back here makes me hot in the face Hot blood in my pulsing veins Heavy memories weighing on my brain Hot and heavy in the basement of your parents’ place You used to be so sweet Now you’re a firecrackerContinue reading ““Hot & Heavy””

[Trigger warning: trauma (re)surfacing] I’m feeling very lonely and scared. Terrified, actually. Terrified by what might be surfacing to my conscious mind, terrified of what I actually feel pushing, pressing onto my conscious brain. I can feel it pushing almost physically. It’s there, something terrible and dark, something pushing to come up from some unfathomable,Continue reading “Dark shadows”