Fueled by pain

It’s been a few months now, maybe six or so, that I have found my old energy levels again, those high energy levels that are usually typical of me, that had been my companion for most of my life. 

In many ways, it feels good. It feels good because I can finally recognize myself again, finally feel like myself more wholly again, and thus interact with the world as more authentically me. It’s also good because it’s proof of my having overcome my burnout, at last. And, as it often happens when we’re unwell, it’s only when we’re eventually feeling all better again that we realize, truly and fully, how utterly unwell we had been. Last but not least, it’s also good because it’s allowing me to actually do things, be more active again, go to social events, drive more easily or safely — function again. 

And I am doing a lot. I’m actually quite hyperactive, full of physical and mental energy, full of ideas, full of intellectual eagerness and pursuits. Not in a manic way, but in a way that, as in the past, feels lucid and satisfying, feels  like me. 

I’m also aware, though, that a lot of this hyperactivity is fueled by pain. That underneath the energy and enthusiasm or passion I feel, there’s a baseline of sadness, like a steady undertone of sadness that I live with and cope with. There’s definitely also a lot of anger and frustration and concern or fear for the political/social situation both in our country and in the world right now, and that is a great part of what is fueling me right now, too. That’s a lot of the external fuel for me. But my internal fuel is sadness, rooted in loneliness and loss. There’s a lot of it. It’s less visible, maybe, because instead of curling up to sit and cry in a corner, I’m getting out: out for live music events or language exchange nights at a local bookstore/café I like; out for hikes, solo or with a close buddy; out for runs, by myself or with the group of local queer runners; out to go and take care of my two friends who recently had surgery, cooking meals & doing the dishes for them, staying overnight, keeping them company; out to do errands and go to appointments and attend work meetings in person rather than online. Out, out, out. 

Out, to assuage the pain that is within.