Something new

My several moves from one city to another, between 2005 – 2013, in Europe. My move from Europe to California in 2016. Making a big career decision and starting to teach at university in California in 2018. My move from California to Colorado in 2022. My top surgery in 2023. My father’s death in 2023. My salpingectomy in 2024. Even my moves between different towns here in Colorado between 2022 – 2024. All of these events marked big changes, turning points in my life that left me feeling — naturally, obviously — like I had gone through a portal or something had changed forever or there was something new. It was evident, apparent from the concrete event — the new location, the new job, the new body, the permanent lack of a person or of a possibility in my life. All of those events left me feeling immensely, often irreversibly, changed, like I was entering a “new phase” of my life, for better or for worse. But that wasn’t surprising: something had changed very evidently even on the outside. 

In the past couple months, I have felt that something has changed deeply and maybe irreversibly within me, even though there’s not one specific event I can point to and say, “There, that was it, that was the moment, that was the cause”. I don’t think this change is visible in me from the outside, but I can feel it distinctly within me. Distinctly and yet hard to describe. 

I think it’s a “new phase” in two different ways. 

On the one hand, despite not having moved again or changed city or job, some important friendships have ended or changed deeply over the past six months or one year. The relationship with one of my two closest nonbinary friends here has ended. The relationships with a couple of my climbing and running buddies has gotten more distant or infrequent because of scheduling conflicts and/or changes in life goals (mainly on their side with their normative families/relationships). I finally took the step to quit the gay men’s chorus that I joined a little over a year ago. And an attempted reconnection with my European queer ex-lover has been aborted, or not worked out, basically because they got cold feet or aren’t in a position where they can handle a renewed relationship with me now. All of these endings or changes in relationships have effectively been losses for me, once again pretty painful losses. But along with these relationships ending or waning, there have been new connections, relationships growing steadily, some of them more evidently, some others more stealthily and yet still in meaningful and nurturing ways. 

On the other hand, this “new phase” has a lot to do with the way I’m taking things now. It’s hard to pinpoint when this change happened within me, it must have been gradual over the course of 2024 or the past couple years, but it’s definitely happened. While still feeling very sad or pained by the changes or waning of some friendships and ensuing losses, I’m not feeling devastated or completely dysregulated like I used to. The change, the loss is there, it’s real. And the ensuing pain and sadness are there, they’re real and I feel them. But then I’m also able to acknowledge the reality of the situation, the simple fact that, for instance, one buddy got married and is trying to have kids and his wife wants to climb with him, so he has less time for me, or that, no matter how much we may love each other, my European queer ex-lover & I have different views and/or bandwidths for a concrete relationship between us now. I’m acknowledging these differences and losses, accepting them, and then dealing with them in more practical, concrete, or effective ways. I’m acknowledging not only the reality of the loss, of the pain, but also the reality and legitimacy of the other persons’ needs or goals and also the reality and legitimacy of my own needs and goals (e.g. my need for more adventures and steady, loyal adventure buddies who can really be present for me). Recognizing more clearly and concretely the reality and legitimacy of the other person’s needs or goals along with the reality and legitimacy of my own needs and goals is somehow enabling me to put up with the painful losses without being engulfed or paralyzed by the hurt.

I don’t know where this change in me has come from. It’s hard to pinpoint the source. Yet a change it is, and a big one, and I can feel it deep within me and see it in my own daily actions.