Pinnacle

[Trigger warning: loss, grief.]

This is a very hard week with memories connected to my father unearthing all the grief from that loss along with the loss of my European (gender)queer ex-lover who had supported me through the loss of my father. 

There are moments where I’m just overwhelmed by the grief and tears gush out of me — like during a workout at the gym yesterday when the song Highway Queen by Mt. Joy, that for some reason I connect to my (feelings for my) dad, started playing in my ear buds. 

This morning I had an easy run plus hill strides to do and the hills were feeling really good, I was right there on the line of runner’s high. And then, on my last hill, again the song Highway Queen by Mt. Joy started playing in my ear buds. 

It was the last hill, the last big effort, the last push, so I gave it all I had, going higher than the previous four reps. And when I was done with it, it hit me, the flood of feelings. 

Joy, pain, thrill, grief, pride and satisfaction and sadness — all wrapped up in one big, sharp pinnacle of feelings. 

I wasn’t even there anymore — it was just feelings, intense feelings swirling, flowing, rushing. 

The hills around me, familiar yet somehow unknown, universal. 

A white cloud in the bright blue sky above, changing shape — I could feel no distinction between myself and that cloud, nor any distinction between the joy and the pain. 

For a brief moment, all was one: I dissolved into my surroundings submerged in the feelings, and joy and pain merged into one sharp pinnacle of ice in flames.