Fundamentally at odds with these people?

Am I going insane or are other people blind? 

There’s a passage in the book Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price that mentions how autistic people, while often not picking up on neurotypical “social queues”, are actually much more perceptive and better at “reading the room” that neurotypical people. Is that what’s going on for me within the chorus and other social situations? Or am I, instead, the one who’s insane, misunderstanding, at odds with the world? And if so, why? Is it my European background, my multi-culti, partly dysfunctional upbringing, or my “having a chip on my shoulder” (as my mother used to say in a bitchy tone)? 

Once again, I had a nearly sleepless night after a chorus event yesterday. The anger and pain and disappointment in me were so intense that I couldn’t fall asleep for hours and when I finally did, my sleep was fitful and restless. 

There we were, about fifty of us, nearly half the chorus, at an extra/voluntary end-of-season event which included performing a couple of songs for the audience at an outdoor viewing of a movie in a city park and then our end-of-season banquet. And while we sat around in the park waiting for the moment when we’d have to perform, I went over to say Hi to one of the guys with whom I’ve had a few friendly interactions, including at the Pride 5k race ten days ago. And he and another guy from the chorus, both married and with their husbands present at the event, said how lovely it was to be here all together, how we (i.e. the chorus) are a big, loving family, all friends. And I just couldn’t help myself and said, “Do you really think so? I find there’s lots of different cliques and some catty behaviors that I wouldn’t expect from friends”. They both seemed surprised, almost shocked (they’ve both been in the chorus longer than I, for several years). What’s wrong? Are they really not seeing the cliquiness, the cattiness, some chorus members regularly left alone on the sidelines, some of the newbies struggling? Is their own friendship between each other (& the extra cushioning they get from having a steady partner) keeping them from seeing the reality of the chorus? Or am I overseeing things, overreacting to things, misinterpreting things? 

After the little performance, as we walked to the nearby building for the banquet, I caught up with one of the chorus members who’s supposed to be one of my friends, one of the people who has offered to adopt me in his chorus family (he has admitted that there are different “families” within the chorus and that I might not have found “the right one”, yet). We agreed to sit at the same table for the banquet. When we got to the room, many of the tables were already partially or fully occupied, a couple were fully empty, and at one table towards a far end was sitting, by himself, a chorus member who lives in my same town and with whom I’ve carpooled several times (including last night). So I suggested we go and sit with him — it seemed the most obvious thing to me: you don’t leave someone sitting by themself at a dinner table at a group event, that’s just mean. I could tell my “friend” was a little hesitant, and I knew he was waiting for the rest of “his chorus family” (a few of the last people) to arrive for dinner, but we sat down at this table. Then, I rushed off to the bathroom and when I got back, my “friend” was gone, he had gone to sit at another, previously empty, table with “his chorus family”, leaving this other chorus member (& me) by themselves. 

I was furious. Hurt, angry, sad, disappointed. I wouldn’t have been surprised if some other chorus member had behaved this way with me, or with this other singer with whom I’ve carpooled, but for it to be my “friend” to behave that way felt like treason, like the rug being pulled out from underneath me, like a dagger in my back. 

Yes, the singer with whom I carpooled and who’s been in the chorus for several years now is far from being the “popular type”: he’s socially awkward and full of social anxiety (by his own admission) and can rattle on for hours due to their ADHD — but many people in the chorus do that. So, he’s not one of the “cool guys”, but so what? He’s a human being, a person sitting by themself at a dinner table, a member of this group — of this group that everyone insists on calling a “big, loving, accepting, welcoming family”. How can you leave a person alone like that? I was appalled. 

I looked around the room and spotted another table where a few people with whom I feel comfortable/friendly were sitting and noticed there were three seats still available there. So I told my carpooling-fellow-singer that we could join that table. Admittedly, it took quite some convincing because of his social anxiety, but in the end I succeeded and we moved to the other table where we were welcomed not only at our seats but also into the conversation. 

I’m so sick of this behavior. 

But am I overreacting? 

I read a quote the other day about “the six types of courage”, one of them being moral courage, i.e. standing up for what is right and doing the right thing even when it is uncomfortable or unpopular. 

For me, some of the big “right things” include standing by a friend or helping someone in need, which might be as “simple” as keeping a lonely/awkward person company at a social event. Apparently, that’s not something that most people in the chorus see as “the right thing”, since I myself have been left sitting alone at a dinner table at chorus social events. So, I’m at odds with these people on something that is fundamental for me, fundamental to my core beliefs. 

I hear chorus members, even last night, talking about all the love and support (both practical and emotional) they have received from other chorus members in moments of need, and I believe they must be true. So what am I missing here? 

Is something fundamentally wrong with me? Or am I just fundamentally at odds with this group of people, like in those relationships where no matter how hard the partners try they’re just a mismatch?