What am I doing here?

What am I doing here, on this Earth? 

It’s not even noon, I’ve gone out for my run, showered, and had a hearty brunch (all by myself) and now the best part of my day is over. I’ve got nothing left to do. Nothing that feels meaningful, at least. 

Is that because I’ve been unemployed for none months and disillusioned or disappointed or hopeless about my career for a year & a half? 

Or is it because I don’t have a family or some form of stable/nesting partner? 

I know this is depression but I also know it’s caused by something specific in my life that is making me unhappy and not just a chemical imbalance in my brain. 

Is it because of the renewed bout of gender dysphoria I’ve been experiencing over the past couple of weeks? 

Or is it because of the horrific state of the world, in general, and of this country, in particular? 

Is it because as a trans person I feel at “house arrest” here in Colorado because of how realistically dangerous it has become for people like me to travel out of this State or out of this country with an ‘X’ gender-marker on my passport because of the risk of not being let back in or of being the victim of violence at the border? 

Is it because I don’t have a goal in my life, because my life feels — and probably really is — purposeless? 

I get these brief moments of joy, at this point basically only when I’m exercising, preferably outdoors. Brief moments of joy when I’m out on some adventure or exercising with one of my buddies. But when I’m done, when I’m back at home alone, the loneliness and sense of purposelessness grip me again in their horrible claws. 

I could give myself goals, tasks, and in fact I do. But once even those are done, what am I left with at the end? And to what end do I perform those tasks, try to reach those goals anyway? 

To what end? 

What am I doing here on this Earth? 

More than half my life lies behind me, my better years lie behind me, and I haven’t really accomplished anything. 

Why keep going at this point if it can only get worse?