Last night, I went to the birthday celebration of one of the more outgoing & friendly people in the gay men’s chorus, joining folks at a queer club.
Overall, I really had fun and the night felt affirming and liberating in several ways that are still making me glow now.
Fortunately, my closest nonbinary transmasc friend went with me and one of my baritone friends was also there (he came to the party at the club especially for me). If it hadn’t been for their presence, the social situation(s) would have been harder for me, in particular the ones on the dance floor, but overall I’m really glad for how things went.
Apart from the fun and getting closer with some people from the chorus, last night brought me some wonderful validations and liberating clarifications from which I’m still feeling empowered now. I finally not only have a clear sense of the dynamics or “degrees of closeness” between me & people in the chorus, but also got this sense confirmed indirectly from chorus members last night and validated explicitly by my nonbinary transmasc friend who was with me at the club.
There are three men in the chorus who are friends to me, true friends.
The rest of the chorus can be divided into three groups of dynamics or “degrees of closeness”.
There’s a “neutral group”, as there probably is in any group/community with so many members in it: these are chorus members with whom I hardly interact beyond, maybe, a polite “hello” if/when necessary. There’s no hard feelings or dislikes, just indifference or neutrality due simply to the sheer size of the chorus.
Then, there’s a group of people who, albeit not being “real friends”, are truly, genuinely & sincerely, friendly and/or affectionate and/or supportive and/or jokey with me. With most of these folks, we’re not going to exchange phone numbers or see each other beyond/outside chorus events, but at chorus events they are nice to me in a genuine & sincere way: they don’t necessarily miss me when I’m not there, but they like me genuinely and are sincerely happy when I do show up (& they let me know they are).
Finally, there’s the hostile group. Harsh and sad as this may sound, it’s real. During my first rehearsals when I had just joined the chorus seven months ago, I remember feeling (& writing about) a sense of hostility I was getting from some of the chorus members. Then things improved at least partly and I convinced myself that I had been wrong. But no, I hadn’t been wrong: my gut knew, as always, my gut had sensed it perfectly correctly. Indeed, last night, thanks also to the dynamics at the queer club (rather than within chorus practice) and the observations of my nonbinary transmasc friend (who has been in queer environments & around gay men for much longer than myself), I know that the hostility I had sensed was/is real.
There is a small group of chorus members, most of them the femmy/gender-bending and/or flamboyant and/or bottom types, who very clearly dislike me. Some of them outright ignore me, look through me or past me, and avoid saying “Hi” to me even when we’re right next to each other and together with some common acquaintance from chorus. Others say “Hi” to me and maybe even attempt a “How are you” or “Nice to see you” but it’s totally insincere: they are forcing themselves because they “have to be civiil within the chorus family” but it’s not genuine, it’s false and fake. And these are the guys who last night on the dance floor at the club first ignored me & my nonbinary transmasc friend when we moved over to dance with them, and then actively ostracized us by staying in their own circle and turning their backs to us. And for once, this attitude cannot be blamed on my wearing an N-95 mask which might “push people away”: I didn’t wear a face-mask at all last night and, in fact, the chorus members who genuinely like me were extra affectionate and open and easy going with me. The attitude on the dance floor was so bad, so blatant, that it was my nonbinary transmasc friend who commented on it when we left the club last night. This friend of mine not only has more experience than me in queer environments & around gay men, but is also a generally less harsh person than myself; so the fact that they actually commented on the behavior of these chorus members on the dance floor, saying these guys had been “not inclusive, actually excluding us, closing their dance circle and turning their backs on us”, is really telling. And very validating for me.
There’s lots of social cues I don’t pick up on because of being autistic and there’s lots of dynamics or behaviors I don’t understand in gay environments because they’re still unknown or unfamiliar to me. But I am perceptive and I — or my gut — pick up on things anyway. My gut picks up on things correctly. My gut had told me all along that this group of people (who, interestingly, is the clique that hangs out with the gender-bendy gay guy with whom I had hooked up) dislikes me.
At this point, I really don’t care if this small group of people dislikes me and I can even put up with their ostracism or veiled hostility or false friendliness, at least as long as I have some true friends or allies with me. But having got a clarification last night of the dynamics for me within the chorus and the validation both of the ostracism & of the genuine affection felt really liberating.
Really, really liberating. Liberating and empowering.
The Little Prince and the Fox 