‘[…] Most of us are haunted by the sense there’s something “wrong” or “missing” in our lives — that we’re sacrificing far more of ourselves than other people in order to get by and receiving far less in return.’ [from Chapter 1 of the book Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price]
Although seemingly “superficial” and written in a rush, the post I wrote this morning is arguably one of the most important and profound ones that I’ve published since starting this blog four years ago. Among other things, it is a concrete, real-life example of the words I quoted above from Dr. Price’s book Unmasking Autism.
Being nonbinary trans and being gay are huge, profound, parts of my identity. And they certainly are aspects that have affected my entire life and still affect me almost daily. Especially the fact of being nonbinary & trans makes my life more difficult: not being seen or accepted or loved as myself or even allowed to be myself as a child and for decades even as an adult was traumatic; and being able to come into, and express freely, my transness relatively late in my life is still a source of intense pain and loss and grief for me. And being a nonbinary trans gay guy with a vagina probably, effectively, “restricts my dating pool”. Despite these difficulties and sources of pain, though, being trans (or gay) are less painful and problematic for me than being ace-aro and autistic. Despite the trauma and sorrow I have from having been allowed to come into my true self (at least from the viewpoint of gender & body-mind-soul alignment) so late in life, I am a lucky, or privileged, trans person: I was able to get gender affirming care relatively quickly once I realized what I needed & wanted; I got most of my paperwork in order before this fascist, transphobic administration took office; and now I “pass”, which is both gender-affirming and a source of (at least relative) safety.
Apart from issues like the lack of accessibility and/or recognition I encounter as a nonbinary trans athlete — which are painful and frustrating and shouldn’t be disregarded — most of my deepest and most pervasive, even daily, sources of pain come from being autistic and ace-aro. And I believe that these instances of pain would still be present and sharp even if I weren’t trans or gay. In Dr. Price’s words, I would still feel haunted by the sense that there’s something “wrong” or “missing” in my life — that I’m sacrificing far more of myself than other people in order to get by and receiving far less in return.
I would still feel haunted and full of this painful sense of mismatch or of sorrow or of “something wrong” even if I weren’t trans/nonbinary or gay (at least as long as I’m living in liberal/progressives places like I have been in the past decade).
It is my neurodivergence, not my trans-ness or my gay-ness, that has made it basically impossible for me throughout my adult life to hold down a full-time job working “standard” (9-5) hours, effectively leading me to live on the brink of poverty despite a PhD in physics and fluency in five languages.
It is my aro-ace nature or orientation, not my gay-ness, that makes it impossible for me to get all my fundamental relational needs met, effectively leading to a constant sense of “hole in my soul” even if/when I’m surrounded by wonderful, loving, accepting, present, solid friends.
This is why the post I published on this blog this morning is of paramount importance: it is not simply some “venting” or “ruminating over a silly hookup that I cannot let go of”. My difficulty to let go of what was, seemingly, “just a hookup” and the real, deep reasons why it’s so hard for me to let go of what was, seemingly, “just a hookup” are some of the most concrete and recent symptoms, or evidence, of how painfully the fact of being ace-aro & autistic affects my life in this amatonormative & neuronormative world.
The Little Prince and the Fox 