A 72% dark chocolate-raspberry bar and a small white envelope with my name on it. Inside, a pretty card with three dangling light-bulbs:
“It means so much to have someone here who understands being different in a lot of non-visible ways and also is just so genuinely kind.
Here’s to as many cycles as we can muster!
-J.”
Do I just need to be more patient about building connections and deep friendships within this gay men’s chorus?
These guys — and maybe people in general — respond more than I realize to my own cues, signals, actions or words. And I guess oftentimes they’re responding to some of my more or less explicit, more or less conscious, cues of “Stay away from me” or “Leave me alone”. In larger groups and crowded environments, I probably give signals of that type much more than I’m aware of. Are these gay guys in the chorus just waiting for me to open up? For me to explicitly ask for a hug? For me to say, “It’s OK to touch me”? For me to say, “Please invite me to gay bars with you all”?
The shows were fantastic. I had dear friends come see us at both shows and I had a blast, really enjoying both performances. I was somehow able to strike a balance between getting enough time by myself, despite the chaos of performing, and connecting with people in the chorus in meaningful ways and enjoying the presence of my friends who came to see the shows.
And yesterday evening, when some of us from the chorus went to socialize at a gay bar after the show, despite being the only trans guy in our group, I felt like I totally belonged. I even felt at ease at the gay bar in a way that I had never felt before: I felt like I belonged in a way that was new and profound and yet, somehow, simple or obvious. Was it because I was there with a group of cis gay men? Was it because I actually really pass as a cis (gay) man myself now? Or was it rather because I finally ditched my N-95 mask, because I was more relaxed and happy and simply full of joyful energy than I usual am?
The past couple of days turned the previous couple of months of this concert cycle on its head, in a really good way: I went from feeling disconnected, isolated, unseen, and uncomfortable to feeling seen and accepted and even loved just as I am, even if I am “different in a lot of non-visible ways”, as my baritone friend put it so well.
Will it go a step further? Will I get those deep connections to flourish into friendships even outside of chorus, doing things with some of these guys beyond rehearsals and shows, as I so badly yearn?
The Little Prince and the Fox 