“Unmasking Autism”

This afternoon, I finally bought myself a copy of the book Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price. 

I had borrowed this book from the local library twice already but both times had to return it before even starting to read it. Somehow, I wasn’t ready for it. 

At this point, I’ve been writing about my neurodivergence and, in particular, about my autistic brain for a couple years here. But I was never officially diagnosed. I did the two “recognized” tests online, which came out “positive”, and I have a lot in common with several friends of mine who have been officially diagnosed with autism. I do believe that I have an autistic brain and admitting this to myself helps me — most of the time. And yet, I had never really gotten around to reading Unmasking Autism or other similar books. And it wasn’t just for lack of time. 

As I stood in the upstairs room at the bookstore this afternoon, with Unmasking Autism in my hands, I started crying. At first, I tried to stop or ignore the tears welling up in my eyes, rolling down my cheeks. But then, I could no longer hold them back and I just stood there, in the corner, letting myself cry. 

This small action of finally, actually, buying this book is symbolically important for me: it’s finally admitting to myself for real that I am autistic. It’s finally allowing myself to say or think, for real, “Yes, I am autistic and I’m going to really look at this side of me, too, now. And hopefully learn to love it better”. It’s an admission as well as an act of self-love, somehow. 

But I’m also scared: what if I discover that I’m not autistic at all? What if I discover that I cannot “explain away” all my quirks and/or “social inabilities” with an autistic brain? What if there’s something deeply and irreparably “wrong with me”?