I found the key

[Trigger warnings: loss, grief.]

When I was in my late teens & early twenties, I was drawn to young (cis-)men who were in their late twenties to mid-thirties. 

Then, I went through a long phase where I tried to have normative relationships, the “normativity” also including closeness in age. 

Since my “liberation” (i.e. my move to the U.S. in January 2016) in my mid-thirties, I have again felt drawn towards (cis-)men in their late twenties to mid-thirties (& I still do now in my early forties).

My father was 30 years old when I was born. From the few things that were told me, the few memories I myself have, and some photos, I know that at first, during the first years of my life and into elementary school, he was a present, loving, affectionate, and playful father. So my pre-rational, emotional, even physical memories of him — of him as loving and present and playful — are of when he was in his early to mid-thirties. 

I’ve had many father figures in my life, several years or decades older than myself: these were mentor-like and supportive and affectionate in a totally platonic way that had no physical contact beyond maybe a “male-style” hug. But the (cis-)men to whom I’ve been drawn, often with a sense of ache or craving, have always been in their late twenties to mid-thirties. 

I’m not suggesting that there was anything sexual or inappropriate or abusive in my relationship with my father — I know there wasn’t. My family of origin was dysfunctional in many ways but when it came to sex it was healthy and appropriate. I do believe, though, that my attraction towards cis men in their late twenties to mid-thirties is rooted in an old longing of mine to reconnect with a form of love that is pre-rational, emotional, and physical. When I was a young child this was given to me, platonically but affectionately, by my father for only a few years, when he was, in fact, a young cis-man in his early to mid-thirties. And now I seek it, sometimes even crave it, in a more “adult” form, from guys who probably at some subconscious, instinctual level, remind me of those pre-rational, emotional, and physical memories.