Befriending my (new) body (again)

[Trigger warnings: dysphoria; scars & scar tissue.]

I’m feeling tender. But more aligned with myself. The dysphoria is finally easing its grip on my mind. 

The surgical glue has fully come off from the three incisions on my lower abdomen: one right under my belly-button and one on each side, just above my hip bones. The two incisions on the sides are a little red and irritated from the surgical glue and the one on the right still has some dry blood on it from the procedure, so I’m not rubbing them. But the one right under my belly-button isn’t irritated so I’ve been actually able to touch it more, running the tip of my finger along this thin, curved line, about 1.5 cm long, that almost looks like a little smile on my belly. The scar tissue is still hard so it feels weird, like a small, temporary implant in my belly-button. 

Three weeks after my salpingectomy & endometrial ablation, I am finally coming out of the dark tunnel of dysphoria. Slowly learning to love myself in this body as it is. Slowly befriending this body of mine, again, with these three additional scars. Being able to exercise and masturbate again has been crucial to regaining connection with, and acceptance of, my body. But even that isn’t always enough when the specter of dysphoria looms. 

It’s an ugly beast, dysphoria… 

I look at my body in the mirror and try to recognize it, try to recognize myself in it, try to recognize it as part of me. Sometimes I see it, I see myself, sometimes I don’t. In the past couple of weeks after my double procedure I’ve felt terribly disconnected from my body, uncomfortable in it, often unable to even look at it. But I’m slowly able to look at it, look at myself in the mirror again: this body with the new scars, with a new, concerning issue on my chest, with the new hairs growing on my forearms and cheeks. Some things I like, some I don’t, most of them I’ll probably have to accept anyway…

I’m trying to befriend these new scars, befriend these new, unpleasant shapes on my chest, befriend these new hairs… And maybe one day I’ll be able to actually love them, too…