FOMO

I’ve been wiped out by fatigue since Tuesday and yesterday I woke up with a sore throat and I still feel tired and with cold symptoms. Apparently, I have nothing “serious”: the swab/PCR tests for COVID, STREP, RSV, and flu all came back negative, so that’s good news. But I’m probably fighting something and definitely in need of rest. And today’s pre-op phone call with the nurse really brought it home to me that I cannot get sick now, that this weekend is the most critical time before my surgery next Wednesday. 

So, I really should skip the last two performances with the gay men’s chorus. Realistically, I probably still wouldn’t have the energy for the show tonight. And the show on Sunday is really at the most critical moment before my surgery as far as contagion risks go. 

Rationally, I get it, it makes sense; but it’s hard to make peace with this. 

I’m struggling to make peace with the fact that my performances with the gay men’s chorus are over for this cycle, are over for the next three months. I had just started enjoying them last weekend, after all the difficulties, and that enjoyment isn’t available to me anymore. And to make it worse, I have to miss the shows that my friends are going to see: half a dozen of my closest friends will be attending tonight’s performance and my running coach got thickets for the Sunday show. I was so much looking forward to performing for my friends and coach, for them all to see this other aspect/identity of me, to share with them the joy of this other community, this other family I have found. And the shows tonight and on Sunday would also involve some socializing afterwards, so I’ll miss that, too. 

All this is making my FOMO come up. I’m feeling sad and disappointed, also because I hadn’t taken into account to skip this weekend’s performances, I was really counting on them and looking forward to them, so last weekend’s shows were to me the preliminary of these. If I had known or foreseen then that I would/should skip this weekend’s performances, then I probably would have approached last weekend’s shows differently, with a different mindset or emotional preparation. This way, instead, I’m emotionally unprepared and it just feels like a huge loss. I’m losing out on the fun and magic of performing with the additional pleasure of performing for my friends. I’m losing out on time with my gay men singers family. I’m losing out on socializing time with my friends and/or with the gay men singers after the shows. I’m missing out on seeing the chorus members to wish them happy holidays in person before the three-week-break until the next cycle. 

And the next cycle will be different: there will be new/additional newbies, different music/songs… altogether a different vibe. 

What if I’m forgotten?

I’m feeling left out, left behind, and without the opportunity to get some real closure for this phase ending — because this particular phase with the gay men’s chorus does end this weekend and I won’t be there for it.