I thought I hated shopping. I actually used to hate shopping — shopping for clothes or shoes or accessories always felt like a nightmare to me and I used to avoid it like the plague.
I still avoid shopping: I tend to do it only when I really, really have to (e.g. today, I finally went to buy the dress shoes I need for tomorrow’s concert with the chorus!). But now I actually tend to enjoy it — and sometimes I’ve even gone shop-browsing just for fun with a (queer) friend.
I’ve actually started to love shopping in men’s departments, especially these past couple times when I’ve had to buy formal attire. Going to buy the dress shoes for the concerts was really affirming for me today. Now, I walk into these men’s stores and I can see how much I just look like a guy. And I’m treated like a guy. It’s very affirming. But I also honestly like how the formal clothes and shoes look (on me): I like to see myself in the mirror dressed up formally like a “man” — as much as I like wearing more fun/flashy “girly” or “feminine” clothes when I go out dancing.
I guess what I really love is that now I can choose: I’m no longer forced into “women’s clothes”, I can wear them whenever I want to; and when I wear “men’s clothes” on this flat chest, I “really look like a guy”.
In the men’s stores, I particularly love the ties. My dad used to love ties, too. We’d give him a tie for almost every single occasion (birthday, Christmas, etc.). And I’ve started telling my friends, “if you want to give me a present and don’t know what to give me, just get me a tie”!
The interaction with the clerk in the men’s store where I got the dress shoes today was so pleasant and so affirming for me that I finally got the courage to do something that has been nagging at me for months now: I texted my mother and asked if she could send me a couple of my father’s ties, adding that it would mean the world to me.
Having at least one of my dad’s ties — one of those objects that somehow would bond us even if he’s dead and will never know I’m wearing it, never even know he had a son — would be a beautiful, healing tie for me…
And fortunately, my mother said “yes”, and even added that it would mean a lot to her, too, and that she’d be happy to send me anything I’d like of my father’s (e.g. shirts, sweaters)…
The Little Prince and the Fox 