Sometimes I tend to ruminate and/or hold onto things more than is necessary, or even good, for me.
OK, so this gay men’s chorus means a lot to me. Fine. Six months ago, I made the decision to reach out to them and prepare for the audition, which I eventually passed in August. I accepted their offer to join and have been singing with them for nearly three months now.
When I made the decision six months ago to try and join this chorus, I made it because I wanted it (& needed it). Every time I decided to push through the difficulties in the past three months singing (& socializing) with them, it was a conscious, intentional choice.
But the decisions weren’t only rational: they were also spontaneous, emotional choices led by an inner “gut feeling” of “this is what I want or need now”. As were the choices I made last week. I didn’t really know what I was in for when I signed up for the additional volunteer singing at the community events. I wasn’t expecting the hookup or partner-dancing. Sure, I am partly responsible for choices and actions that led to all those outcomes, and there were several moments when I could have pulled back, said “No”, left. But I didn’t. I chose to stay, I chose to do what I did, I chose to live those experiences in those moments. And I lived them fully, then and there. As one of my dearest friends pointed out to me yesterday, what counts is that I lived those experiences 100% in the moment. And I did. So it doesn’t really matter if they were fleeting. It doesn’t even matter if they never happen again. They happened then and I enjoyed them fully, and the joy and confidence I gained from them (& hopefully also gave to other persons involved) will last for a while.
I made my choices and lived those moments fully, eventually stopping and/or leaving when I was ready to do so.
So now I can own those choices and let go: move on, lightened up by the joy and enriched by the experiences rather than entrapped in them.
The Little Prince and the Fox 