Slowly learning to let go…

I’m feeling a sense of sadness that is similar to what I experience sometimes after the super-high of a race: it’s like some sort of “post-high low”. 

I’m probably also trying to come to terms with the fact that this gay men’s chorus means so much more to me that I do to them. 

If I left the chorus after this concert cycle, people would probably hardly notice and it definitely wouldn’t affect the chorus in any significant (musical, logistical) way. But maybe more poignant to me in this moment is coming to terms with the fact that the magic of the experiences I had with a few people from the chorus in the past few days isn’t mutual or fully shared. We all shared the fun of singing for the big event of the lights on the city hall building as we all shared the embarrassment of messing up the lyrics for one of the songs. We all shared the joy of brining joy to other people by caroling and we all shared the embarrassment or frustration of the artistic director going overboard at our show at the gay club. The older guy who danced Swing with me on Saturday night shared in my fun — he specifically came to look for me at rehearsal last night to tell me how much fun he had had. And the younger guy definitely enjoyed the hookup with me and there was a level of “shared experience” there, too. 

But each one of these experiences is not just “fun” or “pleasurable” or “exciting” for me: each one of these experiences has been an important “first time” for me, something that for me marks a step in my own journey, in my “personal history”. Singing for the holiday events, and thus bringing back joy to the holidays for me after two decades of them being the worst, most dreaded time of year for me; singing with my “new” voice together with other “male” voices in front of an audience; stripping to my underwear and allowing/seeking out sexual intimacy; partner-dancing in a follower role as a gay boy — all these are “big deals” for me. 

They’re all big steps in letting go. For all of these experiences, I had to let go — which isn’t easy for me to do. And I’m glad I did. But now I have to take the letting go one step further: letting go of the “attachment” to the experiences themselves or of the attachment to some unconscious wish that the magic of those experiences be shared/mutual when it cannot be.