[Trigger warning: sex/sexuality.]
I am asexual.
I know I keep saying this over and over again. But I feel I have to — and this irritates me and pains me — because I’m feeling invalidated by people over and over again, with some of the usual gaslighting that ace people so often get, e.g. “maybe you just have to find the right person” or “but if you have a crush, you cannot really be ace/aro” or “isn’t this just disingenuous of you?”
No, it’s not disingenuous of me — it’s actually disingenuous (and/or hypocritical and/or lacking self-awareness) of all those other people to not realize, or admit, that having sex is not always/necessarily connected to sexual attraction. In fact, a study conducted in 2007* (“Why humans have sex”) identifies 142 reasons why people have sex, divided into 4 ‘macrofactors’ and 13 ‘subfactors’; some examples are the following:
– Physical Factors, incl. Stress reduction, Pleasure, Physical Desirability/Attraction, Seeking out a new experience;
– Achieving (a) goal(s), e.g. Resources, Social status, Revenge, Utilitarianism;
– Emotional Reasons, e.g. Love and/or Commitment, Expression;
– Insecurity, e.g. Increasing/Improving one’s own self-esteem, Duty/Pressure, Maintaining (a) partner(s).
Of all these reasons, the only one that really pertains to sexual attraction per se is “Physical Desirability/Attraction”.
Personally, I have had sex motivated by “Physical Desirability/Attraction” only a couple of times, or with a couple of persons, in my entire life (over the course of a quarter of a century). Most of the times that I’ve had (& still have) sex it’s out of curiosity, because I’m seeking out a new experience — and that goes for most of the things I do in my life, honestly, so in that way sex is no different for me than traveling or trying out a new food or new sport. I’ve also often had sex for pure and simple libido, stress reduction and/or pleasure, and I find that really holds for autoeroticism. I think I have had a few sexual experiences out of love and/or commitment. And I’m sorry to say that I have also been in one relationship where the reasons for sex were more along the lines of duty/pressure and/or trying to maintain the partner — something I’m definitely never, ever going to do again!
I’m sure that many people who have sex, regardless of their sexual orientation or inclinations, could say they had/have sex for at least two or three different reasons on that list above… and probably reasons that having nothing to do with sexual attraction (& maybe not even with love)…
Yesterday, I had a perfectly asexual hookup and I’m still glowing from it. It was with the gender-bending gay guy from chorus and one of the most liberating, validating, and affirming experiences that I’ve had in a long while (at least connected to my body). And also very new — there’s the “seeking out a new experience” reason. I don’t feel sexually attracted to this person. I think he’s cute, I’m fascinated by their ease around gender and gender-bending, it’s refreshing and even liberating & empowering for me. And I feel safe with him. I can feel the interest or attraction from them towards me and I feel safe to respond to him on a level of physical & sexual intimacy. That sense of safety has always been one of my main guidelines in my sexual experiences. I have a very good “gut sense” for who is safe and then I’m able to explore (i.e. seek out new experiences for myself) with that person because I know instinctively that I’m safe. The “gay men” world is still almost completely unknown to me and still something that I’m very curious about. And there’s also still so many things I want to explore about myself — how I feel in this “new” body of mine at different levels; my gender identity in different instances and with different people; gender-expression, play, pleasure… So hooking up with this gender-expansive gay guy is another — and in many ways new — way for me to explore things about myself and about worlds that pull on my curiosity. There is hardly any difference for me between a hookup like the one I had last night and going on a beautiful hike in a new place (by myself): both experiences are rooted in a desire to explore, motivated by curiosity, open to “whatever it may bring”; and both experiences give me joy, pleasure, freedom, along with a sense of validation and liberation of different parts of myself.
And to be brutally honest, both experiences probably also have the same chemical effect on my/our brain(s)!
*[”Why humans have sex” by Cindy M. Meston & David M. Buss, Archives of Sexual Behavior, Volume 36, issue 4, August 2007, pp. 477-507.]
The Little Prince and the Fox 