Yesterday, I had another wonderful — joyful, fun, validating, affirming, liberating, empowering — experience, also connected to the gay men’s chorus in which I sing.
We did a small performance for the “lighting of the lights” event on the façade of the City Hall building. We sang ten of the sixteen songs from our upcoming holiday show, outdoors in the wintry weather. It was a volunteer performance and of the singers who signed up only a few of us were actually selected to perform (only 6-8 singers per section), due to space/size restrictions of the stage outdoors.
When I signed up to sing for this event, I hadn’t realized that only a very small number of us would actually be singing so when it dawned upon me that I wouldn’t have the “usual cover” of thirty other voices in my baritone section but only half-a-dozen apart from my own, I panicked. I was a nervous wreck from Monday until the show yesterday afternoon… But then I eventually relaxed and I really enjoyed myself & the whole experience.
The atmosphere was joyful and relaxed. The more experienced singers, when I said I was super nervous, reassured me and said, “Just have fun!” And then other singers began commenting on how they couldn’t remember many of the lyrics and were reviewing them together and I suddenly realized I knew most of the lyrics better than many of the other guys! During the show, we messed up the lyrics for a couple of the songs (although I’m pretty sure the audience didn’t notice) and for one of the songs that I feel very confident about I sang out assertively.
It took a while for me to relax and get into my voice but not as long as I had feared. Once the pianist starting playing and our voices harmonizing, the nervousness was gone and what remained was the glow of the shared experience, of being part of this together, of doing something fun and joyful. And I could hear my voice, yes, due to the small number of us, I could really hear my voice and hear how it mattered and also hear how well it fit in. The joy and affirmation I felt from standing on a stage, outdoors, in the city, in front of strangers, as one of the guys/singers in a gay men’s chorus, and hearing my voice actually sing as low (& sometimes as high) as the voices of these men, of these other gay guys, was wonderful: one of the most magical experiences I’ve had.
That and the gender-bending gay guy telling me that I’m a “hot guy” were showers of wonderful affirmations for me yesterday. But these experiences within the gay men’s chorus are something even deeper for me, somehow: interacting with these guys, these persons, who are able to be playful and let go and have fun, who embody (& model for me) different ways of “being a man” is healing and liberating for me. Now that I feel safe with them, because I feel accepted and liked by them as I am, I am able to slowly let go more, to be more playful, even more expansive with my own gender-expression, just leaning into joy and fun — something usually so hard for me to do…
The Little Prince and the Fox 