Last night, I cried a lot. Silent tears, on and off.
But I didn’t cry alone. I was within a loving community and with two good friends. And along with the tears there were lots of hugs, warm embraces as we held each other’s hands, as we held each other in our arms, standing or sitting together.
It was a blessing to be there all together, to get that human touch, to co-regulate with these two transmasc friends. And the positive effects go beyond the sharing & co-regulation in the sadness or remembrance or communal celebration of last night: these two transmasc friends are similar to me in their need or wish for platonic human touch — be it through dancing, contact-improv, or movie&snuggles night. And we said explicitly that we should do this more often with each other. And I think that we will, that the circumstances in our lives and/or the level of friendship we have reached are ripe for that type of connection now.
I like that idea, although it also feels unfamiliar (& a little scary with my new transmasc friend whom I still don’t know very well).
For so long, and especially since COVID, I have been craving platonic affectionate human touch that is neither sexual nor romantic… And now I’m starting to get it: from some of my older queer friends with whom our relationship has gotten deeper and more comfortable; from new queer friends with whom we are intentionally setting expectations and expressing needs/desires clearly; from some of my closer cis-het male buddies/friends with whom we are opening up to new levels of intimacy and/or vulnerability; with guys in the gay men’s chorus.
It’s not like I’m constantly touching people or being touched but even a little is more than zero and even this little bit I’m getting feels good because it’s mutual/consensual and spontaneous and easy-going. And while I’m enjoying this change (or the beginning of this change), it also feels weird to me, maybe because it’s so new or somewhat unfamiliar or unexpected… In some ways, I cannot fully believe that it’s a possibility for me; I’m afraid to jinx it or to lose it.
And I also wonder: how come now?
Is it finally beginning to happen now because I am starting to loosen up, to open up at last?
The Little Prince and the Fox 