For lack of a penis?

[Trigger warnings: misgendering, potential transphobia; nude modeling; references to naked body parts, incl. genitals.]

In my nude modeling session yesterday I was heavily misgendered by the instructor (a woman in, I’m guessing, her mid-forties). And it was one of the most upsetting experiences I’ve had.

We started out with a standard set of gestures and short poses; for all ten of my 1-minute gestures I was in standing poses, rotating for the whole room to get views of my full body from different angles. Then we moved on to the long pose which, as requested by the instructor, was sitting. I sat upright, leaning a little backwards, on a chair with my legs stretched out on a low stool, so my whole body was still visible. During the second iteration of the long pose, the instructor was going around to help the students with their drawings, as is often the case. And suddenly, as she was standing with the student right in front of me, I heard the professor refer to me as “she”. I was so surprised (this rarely happens anymore) that I thought she might actually have said “he” and maybe I had misheard. But only a moment later, with the same student, I heard the instructor clearly use the pronoun “her” referring to me (she said something like “she has her legs in this position…”). I was extremely upset, of course. I took a quiet, deep breath. Then I said out loud, politely but firmly, “My pronouns are ‘he’ or ‘they’” while still posing immobile. The professor said “Sorry” and I continued posing. I took another deep breath to quiet my mind but I was too upset by the incident — this unacceptable incident. So I said that I needed a break, put my robe back on, and went up to the instructor and asked her to please talk with me. We left the room and I told her, again in a composed but firm manner, that what had happened was extremely upsetting for me and that I therefore couldn’t resume the modeling. The professor apologized profusely and seemed sincerely chagrined and took full responsibility for the incident. But the problem remains and it is huge. I am still feeling traumatized from this incident. 

My identity is nonbinary transmasculine and clearly stated as such, as are my ‘he/they’ or ‘they/he’ pronouns on the modeling website. I rarely get misgendered with female pronouns at this point, partly because I “really look like a guy” — although that shouldn’t be a necessary requirement for me or anyone else to be addressed with my/their correct pronouns. 

This instance is particularly upsetting because it involves nude modeling: if someone misgenders me, referring to me with female pronouns, when I’m stark naked, the only thing I can think is that my genitals are causing such misgendering — which is awful. It makes me feel disrespected, unseen, objectified, sexualized, and naked in a horrible way. 

Until now the nude modeling for figure art drawing had been a wonderfully affirming experience for me, validating my nonbinary maleness and helping me revel and rejoice in it in ways that are different from usual and special for me. But yesterday’s incident reactivated one of my worst nightmares: that of being “seen as a woman” because I don’t have a penis. 

Nobody should have to feel that way. Ever.