My gender is a rainbow

In the past several weeks I’ve been feeling three sensations persistently. 

One of them — the bright, or light, one — is a liberating and profound sense of my gender being a rainbow, or maybe a kaleidoscope. 

I wouldn’t call it “fluid”, as in genderfluid, because to me it doesn’t feel like it’s shifting or flowing but rather more like a rainbow or kaleidoscope in that my gender contains all colors, all facets at once: masculine, feminine, boy, girl, everything that is in between but also beyond, neither masculine nor feminine, nonbinary — genderexpansive, genderneutral. 

It bothers me tremendously when people still refer to me as “she/her” or “m’am” sometimes — whereas “he/him” or “sir” hardly bother me. 

I like my more-masculine-leaning body but I also love that it’s really half and half or in between: masculine at a first glance but not wholly, if one looks closer. 

I love that my body technically is nonbinary, that my body itself contains and can express/show both the masculine and the feminine and also the neutral in its being a sort of “linear body”. To me my body looks mostly neutral and asexual in its lack of “external appendages” and I love it this way because somehow it represents me. And then I can bend this neutrality playing with presentation, often leaning more into the masculine but also rediscovering the joy and pleasure of mixing in some feminine. 

I don’t know exactly what has been bringing up, or bringing back, this sense of genderneutrality to me but I feel that at least part of it is due to three relatively recents factors or events that have brought it to my awareness more clearly now: being part of the gay men’s chorus; the brief (& awkward) interaction with the guy I like(d) at the gym; the half-marathon race I did & won in the nonbinary category a couple weeks ago. These situations have highlighted the non-binary & gender-neutral aspects of my nature to myself and I’ve enjoyed it. 

I like my gender kaleidoscope — and maybe I like it now because to the external world I look masculine…