Record of some good “big little things”

Choir rehearsal went well last night. 

The only thing that didn’t go well was that I had to leave very early and abruptly: I was so exhausted that I was really afraid I wouldn’t be able to drive myself home safely so I left before the half-way break. 

In the short time I was there, though, I was able to interact with people and actually have nice interactions. 

I think one factor contributing greatly to the difference was my own attitude, or approach: I was simply feeling more confident. The race I did on Saturday and my attempt to pick up the guy at the gym on Tuesday (the results of which are still open) effectively boosted my ego and for the first time I wore my skinny “gay boy jeans” with my tight “gay boy T-shirt” to rehearsal. Maybe the simple fact of having attempted to pick up a guy at the gym — even if in the end it leads to nothing — has given me some confidence, almost a confirmation that I felt necessary for myself, of “really being a gay boy” (despite being aro-ace and despite not having, and not wanting to have, a penis). 

The positive, supportive, and empathic interactions I had had over the week via text msg and email with some of the leaders/guys I trust in the chorus also helped me feel that someone there sees me and has my back. 

And my having posted on the chorus bulletin board about the social, inclusive climbing event I organize/lead, inviting choir members to join, probably also helped — it likely gave me some visibility and helped folks know something personal about me (without having to ask). 

So yesterday evening, for the first time I approached the guy with whom I’ll be carpooling to the retreat next weekend: and he seems really nice and, honestly, also extremely shy. 

One of the guys asked me about the social, inclusive climbing event I organize/lead saying it seems really fun. 

The guy who sat on one side of me at the first rehearsal and who until now was giving me hostile vibes happened to sit on my right again last night. As he took his seat next to me, he greeted me in a friendly way as if we had been friendly with each other for weeks (moody?!). So, since I know he used to climb a bit, I asked him if he had seen my post on the bulletin board about the social, inclusive climbing event; he said “No” and asked me about it and marked it in his calendar and said he’ll join if he’s not too tired at the end of his work day! He might not really mean it or join, but at least he was nice about it.

And after my very early, abrupt (& visible) departure in the middle of rehearsal, three of the leaders/guys that I trust in the chorus texted me to check in and ask if I was OK. 

Last night, I felt that I belonged in this gay men’s chorus. This morning, I still feel that way, and I’m looking forward to Wednesday’s Sectional rehearsal and this weekend’s retreat. 

Hopefully, I’ll continue to feel this way.