Burnout

I’m burned out. Not as a figure of speech: I’m actually, medically burn out, i.e., if I went to a doctor with these symptoms, I would get diagnosed with burnout and have the right to paid medical leave from work (at least, in Europe). 

I tend to be a very energetic person. I had serious fatigue for months due to long-COVID (or a slow recovery from COVID) in 2020 and there have been other times when I’ve felt very tired and/or stressed. But this is worse. This is more — this is far beyond what I thought was possible to feel from the viewpoint of exhaustion. It’s not only physical (& even physically, it’s “massive tiredness”). It’s mental, mostly mental: I’m so tired and stressed that I simply cannot take any more, I can hardly think, I’m overwhelmed and beyond the limit of what I can take, what I can handle, what I can parse through. 

It’s terrifying. 

If anything else came my way now that required attention or to be dealt with, I don’t know what I’d do, because I simply have “no spoons left”. 

And it feels extra terrifying for me in this moment because I need that energy, I need that focus to job hunt: I’m unemployed and single and estranged from my family of origin, so I really need to find a new job to support myself, to pay bills, to pay rent, to pay for healthcare… 

It’s terrifying and exhausting — and I’m exhausted.