I’ve decided to write to three of the gay men’s chorus members with whom I feel relatively comfortable and who are in more leadership positions to voice my struggles in feeling welcome in the choir.
I know that a lot of it is on me, due to my own impostor syndromes, internalized transphobia, shyness, and maybe even neurodivergence. But I also know that I’ve never struggled so much, for so long, within a new group of people. So it cannot be all on me.
Encouraging, supportive words from my friends have been very helpful. Several of them have repeatedly told me, “You belong there. You have a good baritone voice and you’re a gay boy” or “You passed the audition so that shows you belong and they want you there” or “You can do this but you don’t have to do this”. My closest climbing buddy, when we were hanging out together before my first rehearsal with the choir a month ago and I was telling him how nervous I felt, said to me, “You’ve done the hard part: you passed the audition. At this point it’s on them: all you have to do is show up, be yourself, and sing; it’s up to them to make you feel welcome”.
All these comments from friends are sinking in a little more and reminding me that even in this situation, as in all relationships, it’s not up to just one person (or one of the parties) to solve things or to expect the other people/parties involved to understand the issue without it being made clear and explicit.
And that comment from one of the more established chorus members who said something like, “We need to help the newbies feel welcome. If someone is silent or sits by themself, we should reach out to them, talk to them: they might want to be by themself, and then we should respect that, but they might also just be too shy and need the encouragement to feel welcome” is not only really resonating with me but also making me realize that maybe it’s not “just me”…
The Little Prince and the Fox 