Yesterday, I had a difficult but necessary and helpful conversation with one of my dearest friends here who is a nonbinary AFAB person. Being nonbinary AFAB people is one of the things that drew us close two years ago (although I was already openly transmasculine then, too) and among other things yesterday they mentioned how my further shift towards masculinity and, especially, my explicit emphasis on the importance of “male” friendships has felt discounting towards them.
This pained me immensely. The realization that my getting closer to my own gender identity, or my own exploration of gender and relationships, had hurt a dear friend pained me very deeply: on the one hand, because the thought of discounting this, or any other, friend and/or relationship was the farthest thing from my mind, it would never be my intention; on the other, because my own self-determination is very important to me and losing people in the process of “becoming ourself” is painful (at least, it has been and is for me).
First and foremost, celebrating or yearning “male closeness” does in no way, for me, mean that I discount or devalue whatever is different from “male closeness”. It does not mean that the friends & relationships I had in the past and still have now that are of a different type mean less to me. Fro instance, I will never consider the “fun girls trip” I had here in Colorado in the summer of 2019 with my cis-woman runner friend from North Carolina less valuable because I use “he/they” pronouns now: that will always be our wonderful (& in many ways life-saving) “fun girls trip” together. Even if my gender expression is very different from when she & I met in Spain a decade ago, even if we’ve made different life choices, that takes nothing away from our friendship or the affection I feel for her or the genuine interest I have in her pregnancy despite that being something I would never want for myself. And similar examples hold for other AFAB or fem friends of mine.
My draw towards masculinity that has been deepening or increasing over the past year or two is part of my own internal journey and has nothing to do with the value I give to people or relationships in my life. It stems from an inner need of my own, a lot of it coming from grief: it’s my own grief coming from the sense of loss for having been denied an important part of myself for decades as femininity was imposed on me against my will.
My draw towards masculinity, which has been present my entire life, is one part of a bigger puzzle or picture, that has also been present my entire life: i.e., my desire or will to deconstruct gender norms altogether. As I claim masculinity for myself and seek closer or more authentic relationships with people on the masculine side of the spectrum (incl. cis-men), I am actually trying to deconstruct the gender norms that have been given us, imposed on us. In (re)claiming my masculinity, I am also (re)claiming my own femininity (I actually wore a skirt to go out these past two evenings!) and trying to go beyond gender, gender norms, gender stereotypes altogether — for example with the inclusive climbing event centered around a “joyful, respectful, diverse, and non-competitive masculinity” that I have started at the gym and that was joined also by an AFAB person who uses “she/they” pronouns and just gave birth to their baby.
I was forced into the “female box” for over three decades. I don’t want to put myself in the “male box” now nor do I want to restrict my relationships to people who “fit in the male box”. I want to open those boxes, explore those boxes, deconstruct those boxes, ideally eliminate those boxes or redefine those boxes — preferably transform them from boxes into soft, fluid, open containers. I’m doing so while following, or pursuing, my own (gender) journey, maybe because that’s the only way I know — and hopefully along the way I won’t hurt or alienate the people I love.
The Little Prince and the Fox 