Yesterday I had a very stressful day. Logistically stressful because of expensive car issues and emotionally taxing because of the exit interview for my current job that ends in two weeks.
All I wanted by the end of the day was quiet — and to be held. I would have really needed (or wanted?) somebody to just hold me, tell me everything will be alright or simply cook dinner for me, wrap me in a blanket or a hug. But nobody could do that for me last night. So I did it for myself. I’ve learned to do it for myself. I gave myself a warm bath — something that soothes me and helps me to feel held, both figuratively and literally. I cooked myself an easy but good and healthy meal. I watched a movie that would help me “feel good”. And I focused on the instances in which I’ve felt held by the people around me, my friends, recently: my nonbinary friend who came to visit me all the way from Europe and with whom we’ve been keeping in touch almost daily; one of my neighbor running buddies who came over on a Sunday night at nearly 10 o’ clock to check on me when I called fearing I was having a heat stroke this summer; the friend who let me use his car last weekend when mine didn’t feel safe enough to drive; my neighbor running buddy who’s had me over for Saturday night dinner & board-games with him & his family in these weeks that I’ve been injured and unable to run with him (& lonely); the friend for whom I’m house-sitting who’s almost always available for a phone call with me despite being away in Alaska with his wife; my friend & ex-housemate who had me over for dinner on Monday evening after my delayed meltdown from the first rehearsal with the gay men’s chorus; my friend from North Carolina who called me last Monday for a nice chat, too; the three friends who’ve offered me a room to stay in during the three weeks that I’ll be in between places from Sept. 24th to mid-October; my climbing buddy with whom we’ve been adjusting our weekend plans to be able to hang out while still nursing injuries and preparing to plan an autumn climbing trip together — this same buddy has explicitly said to me that I, along with a small handful of other people, am his family here.
Do I still suffer in a society that has amatonormativity so ingrained into it? Yes. Would I still have liked to have someone hold me last night? Probably so. But I was able to find ways to hold and nurture myself last night and wake up restored enough in my heart/soul to not only see but actually feel the ways in which I am held by my close friends (who for me are my family) and to hold them in turn.
It feels delicate and fragile but today my heart feels open and full of warmth, full of the capacity to feel the support and to give it back, holding others in turn.
The Little Prince and the Fox 